Seeing
by Captain Oz
Summary: Remus is watching Sirius. Slash. PLEASE READ! And review. I am not dead. I am in fact very much alive. Maybe.
1. Dancing

**Just a bit of unrequited (maybe) slash, SBRL. I could possibly be persuaded to write more, as I have quite a good idea for how this could continue. It's all written from Remus' view, and the 'him' is always Sirius. It kinda goes slightly into song fic territory in the middle.**

**I don't own Sirius, Remus, any of the other characters, or Bohemian Rhapsody. But if you want to give me Sirius or Remus I would not complain. Even if you gave me both of them (HINT).**

His eyes are amazing. They change constantly, managing to convey a range of emotions in a single heartbeat. They're so dark, almost black, that sometimes I feel myself falling, almost losing myself in their depths. When he's happy or amused, there's a spark in them. When he's angry, they become stormy. And when he's sad, or he doesn't want you to know what he's thinking, they close over.

His hair. It used to just be cut short, with big clumps falling into his eyes. I always had to resist the urge to push them away. But then he let it grow, and now he wears it pulled back in a ponytail. He's done that ever since Prongs told him he looked like Snape with it down. I didn't agree. Snape's is greasy, while his is soft and silky. I know that, because I stroked it when he cried into my arms after he ran away. That was the only time I've ever seen him break down.

We're in the common room. I'm sat in the comfy chair by the fire, curled up like a cat. There's a book on my lap, but I haven't been reading it for the past ten minutes. I've been watching him instead. He's sitting with Prongs in the corner, and they're planning something. I can tell, because he's much more animated than normal. He keeps on laughing, that silly little bark that has the power to make my stomach do somersaults, and his hands are moving constantly, illustrating his words.

His hands are gorgeous. It sounds really strange, saying it, but it's true. We were in Transfiguration the other day, and I just looked across the table and noticed them. I can't believe I never noticed them before. They're strong, and yet delicate in another way. His fingers are long and sensitive. I just can't stop imagining those fingers on me, entwined in my hair, touching me… He also wears black nail varnish. I think he's the only guy who could get away with it.

Now he's fiddling with his earring while Prongs is talking. He only got the thing to annoy his mother, but it suits him. Makes him look sexy and dangerous. It goes with the whole image. The long ponytail, the earring, the nail varnish, the leather jacket, the motorbike… everything is calculated to attract attention.

Lily's putting her music player on. She charmed it to work without electricity and now it's playing Queen. Bohemian Rhapsody. He leaps from his seat and begins to sing along while dancing through the room.

_Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?_

I'm not the only one watching him now. Several of the females are staring, their mouths hanging open as he twists and turns, lost in a world of his own. He once told me he only feels alive when he's dancing. He does look damn good, caught up in the music. He looks like he needs a partner…

_Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality_

Someone else obviously has the same idea. A fifth year girl I can't recognise gets up. Soon everyone is dancing. Except me. I keep my eyes on him and the girl. I doubt he even realises she's there. His amazing eyes are shut, and his long lashes are resting on his cheeks. He looks up suddenly, as it moves into the Mama part. He sees me gazing at him, and smiles suddenly, lighting up his face. He moves across the room and extends his hand.

"Will Mr Moony dance with Mr Padfoot?"

"Mr Moony would be delighted," I reply, and he sweeps me into the dance. He puts his arms around my neck and his head on my shoulders.

_Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time_

Just being this close to him is enough. He's like a drug to me, one that I can't get enough of. It's close to the full moon, and I can smell him constantly. I never want to let him go.

The music changes, getting a faster tempo. He releases me, and I almost stagger back. He's jumping around now, dancing with everyone in the room. He isn't picking one person out, preferring to stay free. I wish he didn't. I wanted his warmth against me, the feeling of having him in my arms. I retreat instead to my chair, and curl up protectively.

He's smiling again, but it doesn't reach his eyes. He has a range of smiles. There's the one he uses when he's trying to seduce someone. The one he uses to charm people- it works on everyone but Lily and McGonagall. His sardonic, mocking smile, usually saved for Snape. The one he uses when he's amused. And there's his smile when he's happy, the most beautiful one of them all. I've only ever seen it happen when the Marauders are alone. I'd do anything just to see that smile, and recently I've noticed a stab of jealousy when one of the others manage it.

Now he's climbing up onto the table, playing air guitar and screeching along with Freddie Mercury. There's something wild about him, a careless abandon as though he couldn't give a stuff what other think of him. And he doesn't, not really. I suppose that draws me to him. I have to be in control of everything in my life, and I always consider how other people will react.

He smiles across at me again, and for a second my heart stops a beat.

Then he sees a seventh year dancing near him, and follows her appreciatively with his eyes.

_Nothing really matters to me_

I don't matter to him. I could watch him for ever, but he'll never watch me in that way.

**Please read and review! Any reviews will do! Oh and about Remus' little hand thing. I got the idea from myself- I have an obsession about my friend's hands (not that I've told anyone except you lovely people). Sorry if it's slightly disturbing. Again- R&R, even if only to flame**


	2. Dreaming

**Wow! Thank you sooo much! That's the most amount of reviews I've ever had, and I will respond to each of them at the end of this chapter. Well, you've put me in such a good mood that I changed this chapter. It was going to be really angsty, but I'll probably make that chapter a later one. **

**I am going to fail my GCSEs, but who cares? It's only going to decide the rest of my life… Anyway, on with the show! BTW, in this Sirius is bi. Just so no one gets confused.**

**Oh, and about the tenses. I'm trying to put everything into present tense. Because it's different and I was very bored when I started this- my father wasn't letting me on the computer.**

It's night, and I can't sleep. It's almost the full moon, and the wolf inside of me is calling out. The light is streaming in through the window and onto my pillow, even though I pulled the curtains shut at least ten times. Sighing, I open them and reach for my book. And freeze. Someone in the dorm is having a nightmare. I can hear the sobs and mutters.

I slip out of bed silently and onto the cold stone floor. Turning my head and shutting my eyes, I try to locate the source of the sounds. It's his bed. I pad across to his bed and pull the curtains away carefully.

"Padfoot?" I whisper. "Sirius?" He's writhing around, it hurts me to see him like this. He's obviously in pain. His face is twisted, and his sheets are twisted and tangled around his body. He always sleeps topless, and I can see his torso is covered with sweat. I reach down and touch his shoulder gently. "Wake up."

He jerks up, nearly hitting me. "Moony?" he asks, reaching out, almost blindly. I oblige, pulling him into a tight hug as I sit on the bed and shut the curtains behind me.

"_Silencio_," I whisper. His breathing is heavy, ragged. I can feel his muscled body beneath my arms, and his hair is tickling my cheek. "What was the dream?"

"Promise you won't tell the others?" His voice is muffled. I nod, knowing he'll feel the movement. "I was back at home. My mother was… beating me." I know she's done it before; the marks are clear on his back as I'm holding him. "I could cope with that, but then… oh God, Re, it was so real…" He's crying again, and I can feel the tears hitting my top.

"Shh, Siri, it was just a dream."

He sniffs. "I know. But God…"

"What was it?"

For a moment he's silent. "She had someone. Someone I care about."

"Who?"

I think he's smiling, but I can't be sure. His face is behind me. "Someone I love, and I won't say any more." My heart falls, but I know it's stupid. He loves everybody, using the word for anything. "She hurt them. Cruciatus. And other ways. Oh, Moony-" his voice is shaking- "it hurt."

"She can't hurt you Sirius. Not any more. And she can't hurt your girl either."

He pulls back to stare at me. "Who says it's a girl?" His eyes are mocking. In this half light they're almost black. He's so close to me. I can see all the lines on his face, mostly clustered around his eyes. It's strange really, considering how vain he is, how lined his eyes are. During the day he normally wears eyeliner to cover them. He can pull off the look, without looking like a complete idiot. I don't know if any of the people he's dated have seen him without it.

"So your one true love's male?" He nods slightly, his eyes defiant, not bothering to deny that he was dreaming about his 'true love'. "Just don't tell anyone else, or the female half of the school might kill themselves." He laughs briefly.

It always amazes me how much the other Marauders are like their Animagi forms. He's always looking for affection, and his laugh is so much like a bark it's unbelievable. He's also constantly enthusiastic. Peter is continually twitching, always moving, and he never does anything unless one of us instigates it. And James… he shows off whenever girls are nearby, especially Lily. And he looks after us three, defending us as if we were his 'herd'. I think I should tell him about my feelings. Maybe.

"Do they feel the same way?" I ask.

He extricates himself from my arms and falls back onto his pillows. With one hand he almost carelessly ruffles his hair. "I highly doubt it, and I have no intention of letting them know."

"What? Is the famous Sirius Black, stud of Hogwarts, scared of telling someone his feelings?"

He looks almost shy. "Yeah. He's so special, Re. Absolutely amazing. He's quiet, and clever, and funny, and beautiful… When I'm with him, I feel complete. Calmer. Not just stupid reckless Padfoot." A range of emotions are running through my mind. On one hand I'm happy for him. He seems happy, totally in love. I've never seen him being serious about his feelings for anybody before. But I'm also sad. He's in love with a man. Who isn't me. There's no chance for me now. Once he makes up his mind it can't be changed. At least if it had been a woman he fell in love with I could have told myself he preferred women.

He must be able to see my mixed feelings on my face, because he's leaning forward again to take my hand. "I know it's a shock, but I'm decided."

"I'm happy for you. But you really should tell him."

He's lying back down again, but keeping hold of my scarred hand in his beautiful one. "Maybe. Not yet. I'll watch him for a bit longer. Sing for me, Moony." He always gets me to sing when we wake up in the middle of the night, even if it's me who has the nightmare and he's the one who gets up to comfort me. He says my voice soothes him, makes him sleepy.

I start to sing the first song that comes into my head. Bohemian Rhapsody. He smiles and shuts his eyes. "Galileo Figaro Magnifico…" I think he's asleep. "I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me…" I get up to go, but his sleepy voice stops me.

"I love you, Moony."

It takes all my self control to get to my own bed without crying. Why can't it be me he loves? I'd give anything for him to say those words to me, and mean them.

**winterbaby93- Cool! I'm psychic! And Bo Rhap is an amazing song.**

**Esraa- Did you want smut? Hmm, we'll have to see if the feelings are reciprocated.**

**Ryyne****- I would have liked to make it into a longer songfic, but it takes me forever to write them. Great minds think alike.**

**carpe-nox-sulum-nox****- Right, now no stale coffee…please? Ergh, coffee. **

**elvenwolf123321****- Thank you! And I hope you're reading this…**

**KawaiiMegami86****- ; :huggles back: Well, we'll have to wait to see if Siri returns the feelings…**

…**- Wait no longer, anonymous person**

**ozumas girl****- Yeah, I like that bit. I have a tendency to do that, curl up in a chair, so Remmie is going to be me. Wow, he is, with the whole hand thing… Cool! I'm Remmie! (Don't mind me, I'm hyper)**

**PeshewaCoralie****- The puppy eyes did it for me (made me continue, I mean)**

**Louise- Oh :blushes: shucks. And your English wasn't too bad, no worse than mine!**

**butterflywings32****- Well, I don't need the jelly beans or chocolate, but if you really feel like giving them to me… And cool, for understanding the hand thingy.**

**Cat- Glad you liked it**

**The Mock Turtle****- Exactly! If you read all the scenes with Siri and Rem in OotP there is sooo obviously something going on there. It's just that Harry's an innocent and doesn't pick up on the subtle undertones.**

**Cassandra- Yeah, the nail polish. I swear I am Remus! I have a secret crush on one of my friends (none of them read this) and he wears black nail polish! He also tells me that he wishes he had my hair and my nails, but that's just disturbing.**

**Versipellis****- Yes, Queen do not just prod buttock, they kick ASS! Oh, and what's your story going to be called? I'll read anything! Especially slash. That goes for everyone, btw. Plug your own stories when you review!**

**ISC- Yeah, they should have a sad genre. Also a slash one.**

**I will update asap, but I've got about 10 exams this week so it may be a while. Love ya, and don't forget to hit that little button at the bottom!**


	3. Working

**Right, new chapter. This time… it's not from Remus' point of view! Dum dum dum! This is quite possibly one of the most overused storylines for SBRL slash, but I like it. And it works well. And I promise you- each chapter will mention Bohemian Rhapsody. Because I'm obsessed. **

**Wow, I actually have a plan for where this is going. But I'll take any ideas. So far it's going to be at least six chapters, but I'll probably be nagged into doing more.**

**Remember. THIS ISN'T REMUS. It's about Remus, though.**

He's sat across the library from me, engrossed in some kind of work. He's totally absorbed, his head bent over and leaning on his hand. He's so different: I find myself drawn to him. There's some kind of ethereal quality to him, an otherworldliness. He's not like the others; Potter and Black. They say the first thing that comes into their heads, without thinking. They're vindictive, and they don't care about anyone other than themselves. But him… you get the impression he's always thinking, and he seems much more intelligent than the other two. He also seems to care. The pain in his eyes when the other two hurt me… I want to tell him it doesn't matter, that I know it isn't what he wants. Something about him makes me want to protect him. He's small, and delicate. So pale, he's always ill- there is a mystery around him, and I want to work through it. Not that I'd ever be allowed. His 'friends' would see to that, and I doubt he has the strength to defy them.

He's looking up now, and he sees me. I look down again, studying the book in my hands. I have no idea what it's talking about.

"Severus?" I look up at him. He's stood in front of my table, shyly.

"What, Lupin?"

A pained expression races across his face, and I hate myself for it. "I was wondering if you could help me with my Potions work. You're top of the class, and I'm rubbish really.

That self-effacing quality is so different to everyone else I know. "Then why did you take it at NEWT?"

He grimaces. "I though it'd be interesting."

It's strange; this is probably the first real conversation I've had with him. "Sit down then." We sit and work through his problems for half an hour. He's obviously clever, understanding my explanations swiftly and easily. He's very quick to make jokes at his own expense- I expect that's the fault of Potter and Black. I stop being sarcastic, and find myself enjoying his company, and wanting to continue sitting with him.

He sighs and smiles at me. "Thank you, Severus. I really should ask Professor Mawdryn for some tutoring."

"I could do it." Did I say that too quickly?

His face lights up. "Really? Oh, that would be…"

I cut him off before he starts gushing too much. "Wednesday night, six o'clock, here."

"OK. Oh-" Black and Potter just walked in, along with Black's latest boyfriend. I'm surprised they're in the library- I didn't know they could even read. Remus starts to sing under his breath, and I strain to hear him. "Oo, baby, can't do this to me baby, just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here…" He sees me looking at him, and smiles apologetically. "Bohemian Rhapsody. It's stuck in my head."

"Don't you like Black's boyfriend?"

He shakes his head quickly. "No, but don't tell Sirius I said that. Stromboli is a bastard." I'm surprised to hear such strong language from him.

"Why?"

""Oh, he's awful. He bitches constantly, and he takes Sirius away from us."

"Is that why you're here, with me? Potter has Evans and Black has Stromboli…"

He glances at me. "You think I need a partner? You sound just like Sirius."

I make a face. "God forbid."

They're walking towards us now. I don't want them here, ever.

"Moony? Why're you sat with Snivellus?"

"Doesn't the smell bother you?" Stromboli sniggers at Black's highly feeble joke.

I sneer, "You're recycling your jokes, Black. You used that one last week."

His eyes narrow. Good, I've made him angry. "Keeping tabs, Snivelly?"

Remus stands up hurriedly. "Sirius, stop it. Let's go." He smiles at me. "Bye Severus."

"Wednesday, right?"

He nods, and Potter speaks. "What's Wednesday?"

"Severus is going to help me with Potions. Now, come on…" Remus leaves, pulling Potter with him. Black pushes Stromboli to follow them, and stares down at me.

"What, Black?"

"You. I've seen you looking at Moony."

"Looking is hardly a crime. Now kindly get lost."

He leans forward, resting his knuckles on my table. "You fancy him, don't you?" I don't respond. "Stay away from him. Remus doesn't need or want anyone like you. He deserves better. Leave him alone."

"Or what?"

He doesn't answer, just smiles viciously at me and leaves. I'm not scared. There's nothing he can do to me that he hasn't already done.

**elvencherry07- Yay! Another person likes it**

**ISC- Ew, gross thoughts… But SLASH the musical sounds cool… It would have to contain good ships, though. Like Sirius/Remus!**

**winterbaby93****- Well, I am pretty special really :-)**

**Versipellis****- He will always be singing Queen! Coz they rock, and are playing on my computer at the mo. And I always do that thing where I start stories coz I'm bored. AND HITCHHIKERS ROCKS! (slight overload there)**

**Lykaios Nyx****- I did read your stories, and reviewed. Everyone, read these stories! Especially "You're". It made me cry! And lets have a huge group huggle for poor lovely Remus and Sirius**

**Jessica Goldberg****- I made someone squee? Cool. And at some point I'm putting up a songfic for them, but can't actually get round to it yet. It should be very sad :sniff:**

**EsScaper- Hee hee! There's a lot more pain yet… As to whether there will be any happiness, well… (I love being the evil author)**

**Hannio- Thank you for the luck, especially as I'm writing this when I should be revising. Ah well, it's only Maths. And Sirius has a boyfriend… so why is he so angry at Snape? But yeah, I'm just letting the characters be all dense.**

**butterflywings32- Well, he has to be full of himself, otherwise he wouldn't be him! But I think he's really very shy, probably even more than Remus.**

**checkmarks- Go and eat chocolate- I do when I want to cry. Thanks for the luck!**

**KawaiiMegami86- I know, when you're having a bad day it's great to get nice new chapters! And Siri will tell Rem eventually. In chapter 6, I believe. But plenty of angst still to come!  
succorelle- Poor Remmie really does feel that way! Love him.**

**Silverwitch07- Well, thanks for liking me. And did Siri mean it? Oh, I don't know. Well, I do, and I've said it before. But hmm… plenty of time yet for things to go wrong!**


	4. Forgiving

**Ah, another day, another chapter. I swear I am so lucky- the things I'm revising are coming up, and not the things I'm ignoring! Thanks muchly to everyone who is reviewing, coz your reviews brighten my day in the middle of my exams! Horrible nasty things (exams, not reviews). You may all have a stroopwafel, because they are gorgeous and I am eating one right now.**

**_Anyways_, here's the next chapter. Oh, and does anyone know why anyways is an accepted spelling on my computer?**

I open my eyes, and promptly shut them again. The surrounding area is white, so I'm obviously in the infirmary. Then I remember. Severus… he'd been down do the Shrieking Shack, and I'd almost killed him. But James had saved him, hadn't he?

"Rem?"

I smile weakly at Sirius. "Hey. What happened, last night?"

He's sat on the edge of my bed. His eyes are lined at the corners; he obviously hasn't put his eyeliner on yet. He looks as though he barely slept last night. I know I probably look no better, but Sirius is usually the one who can sleep for twelve hours. He's looking anxious as well, and he's clasping his hands nervously.

"Re, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to do, it just happened, and I'm so sorry, but he…"

I hold up my hand. "Slow down."

He takes a deep breath. "I told Snape how to get past the Whomping Willow."

"What?" At first, I can't believe him.

"I know, Re, and I'm so so so so sorry."

"Is he ok?"

"Yeah, James pulled him away. But he knows that you're a wolf. He can't tell anyone though, coz Dumbledore said he'll be expelled if he does."

I shut my eyes. "Go away, Sirius."

He takes my hand in his and looks into my eyes. "Please, Rem, just let me explain."

I turn away. "There's nothing that you could say. I could have killed him."

"Not like that would have been a great loss," he mutters.

I round on him, and spit my words out. "You think this is funny? You totally self-obsessed git. You never think about anyone else, do you?"

"I think about you, Re. And Prongs."

"Don't call me Re!" He's still holding my hand. I push the other one through my hair. "You obviously weren't thinking about me when you told Snape. Did you ever consider how I'd feel if I killed someone?"

"It wouldn't've been you."

"As good as. I would see it that way, and so would the Ministry. They would have 'culled' me if I killed."

"What?" He's leaning forward, his eyes wide.

"They inject the veins of the werewolf with silver nitrate solution. The iron in the blood displaces the silver, and soon the werewolf's blood is pure silver. It's a slow death. Painful."

"Oh God." His eyes are pained. "Remus, Moony, I swear, I didn't know, and if I had I would never have told him."

"You shouldn't have told him anyway!"

"I know. Something came over me, and it was a moment of madness."

"Please, go."

He lets go of my hand, and stands up. He looks so sad, and there are tears in his eyes. He smiles sadly. "What's that song you're always singing? Bohemian Rhapsody?"

"What about it?"

"Mama, just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead…" I listen to him despite myself. His voice is strong and clear, although he's too self conscious to use it that often. He lowers his voice. "Re, I've done that. I've killed something between us. And I hate myself so much for that. I'm sorry."

He starts to go, but I can't just let him leave. "Padfoot, tell Prongs to get my homework." He nods, and walks out the door.

Why? I can feel the tears coming up in my eyes, and shut them tight. My hands clench into fists in the sheets. Why the hell? And why Sirius? Couldn't it have been someone else? Anyone at all? This wouldn't hurt so much if it had been James or Peter. But Sirius… He knows almost everything about me. He knows how scared I am. Scared of losing control, of breaking away from them one day and killing someone. He's seen me in the middle of the night after I've been dreaming, when I'm scared that I'm a monster. He's held me and stopped me crying when someone makes a comment about werewolves being beasts, and he tells me that he knows I'm not like that. How could he say that and yet use me? He knows I would have killed Snape. And he still told him. The only conclusion I can come to is that he wanted me to kill Snape. That hurts- he obviously thinks of me as a monster. Besides that, he knows how much I'd rather be here than at home. If everyone finds out then there'll be calls for me to leave Hogwarts, and even Dumbledore can't defy everyone. I've never wanted anyone to know. It's one of my most closely guarded secrets, and when I found out that the other Marauders knew I made them swear to secrecy. Does that mean nothing to Sirius?

I love him. So why did it have to be him who made me feel like this? I think that if there really is a God he's laughing at me. He must hate me. What other reason is there for how bad everything in my life is? The one person in this life who I really care for doesn't feel anything for me. He just wants to use me. To him, I'm nothing. And yet… I couldn't bear not being with him. Watching him, speaking with him, touching him. Without him I'm nothing. I have no reason to live. He's a drug to me, and I know I'm helplessly addicted.

That's why I'd said something to him as he left. That way he'd know that I still want to be friends. But I don't know if I can forgive him.

**Ok, so that was weird. It went all different near the end from what I had planned. Well, the reason Rem is being so strange about Siri is this- Siri knows that Rem hates the wolf, and is scared of hurting someone, but Siri still sent Snape down to almost certain death. Rem is also thinking slightly irrationally. Just because he is. **

**EsScaper****- How's his pain? If it's not gone into too much detail, with Rem having a go at Siri, that's because it's coming up. I think Rem's the kind of person who bottles things up until they erupt all at once. What do you think?**

**checkmarks****- I recommend chocolate to everyone. Even though I don't eat too much- but I do like chocolate biscuits and cheesecake. Eat them! And Siri is smelly. But he'll get nicer. Maybe. I hope reading this makes everything else easier!**

**Silverwitch07****- Cool! Snape won't be in this anymore (I don't think). It was just so that we could see Rem feeling pain and betrayal (I'm an evil person). I don't really like SSRL fics- Moony and Padfoot are destined to be together, and anything else goes against the laws of nature. Although some of the SSRL fics are well written.**

**SLC- Aw, someone's praising my 'Quality of Written Communication' (as they call it in GCSEs). Would you believe it's all my own work? No beta round here, nope. Just me and my lovely computer… who needs a name. Any ideas? Anyone?**

**KawaiiMegami86****- Are you getting a crush on Siri? You may have to fight Rem for him, you know ;) And you always give me huggles! Thank you!**

**carpe-nox-sulum-nox****- That was one seriously big squee. Wow, was I really worth all that:blushes: Ta! And I actually like this fic, and know where I'm going with it, and I get so many lovely reviews, and that's why I update it so much. There's another fic out there that I haven't updated for about two or three months. It's not slash, so at the moment I'm not interested in writing it. At least the curse has been temporarily lifted… But write more fics like Playing With Fire, or I'll curse you with my inflatable silver hammer.**

**winterbaby93****- Cool, I'm popular. And you'll be pleased to hear that I plan on a couple of sequels to this. Hope you review them too! When I actually write them, that is. Hahaha, just wait til the next chapter… none of you will like me then… 'twil be very VERY angsty…**

**ISC- Yeah, but then again he has got greasy hair ;) And there's still a couple of chapters left. What will happen with our two favourite Marauders? **

**Versipellis****- Ah, different. The story of my life. I think Sev would like Rem, coz Rem never pranks him, and of course Rem is drop dead gorgeous.**

**darkstarr- As you can see, Rem will not be corrupted by Sev. Thanks for the thing about the exams, but I won't know until August. And, well, does Siri love Rem? I'm a hopeless romantic at heart (although I try to be a cynic), so I think everyone can guess.**

**sirisuly delusional- Is this what you expected? I like answering everyone's pleas by updating regularly. Yay!**

**Lykaios Nyx****- Stromboli is a funny name :snigger: (sorry if anyone's surname is Stromboli- but if we're talking about funny names, my middle name beats all) And Siri is still being a bit of a prickhead. But as he sings Queen we'll forgive him. I will, anyway. You're going to get a fic dedicated to you, and it will be posted soon. Probably called Dear Remus.**

**butterflywings32****- Nah, no SSRL. And I use the word wrongest, so it must exist if two people use it. Aw, and you would have carried on reading even though it was cringey (that's from my friend's 'dictionary'). That makes me feel bubbly inside! **


	5. Thinking

**This will be my longest chapter yet! I think. Peter's a git in this chapter. It was going to be James, but then I decided I liked him.**

**Oh, and extra helpings of chocolate cheesecake if you can tell me where I got my extra characters from! They're all from the shows I was watching when writing this.**

**There are suicidal themes in this chapter. Just bear with me, Remmie is drunk and not thinking straight. Promise you he won't die, so read? Please?**

I don't know how I let James talk me into this. He was probably helped by the Firewhiskey I've been drinking all night. I can't help it. It's been about four weeks since the betrayal, and the full moon is coming up. Things between Sirius and I have been strained. We still talk, but not closely. We haven't been alone together yet, and we haven't comforted each other after nightmares. So I want to block everything out, and this party seemed like the best place. And now we're playing Spin the Bottle, and I don't know why I listen to James.

Lily spins the bottle, and screeches. She really is drunk, a lot more than me. "Remus! He has to kiss…" She spins again. "Hotlips!" I lean over and kiss the blonde fifth year on the lips. Lily spins again. "Potter… Black! Ooh!" My two… best friends lean forward and kiss, James with a grimace and Sirius grinning. "Black again… kiss McFarland!" Sirius moves to kiss the guy, still smiling. He'll kiss anyone.

"I'm bored."

"Oh, getting scared, Potter?"

"No." James quirks an eyebrow. "I just think we should make things more… interesting. Now, it has to be a snog. For ten seconds."

Sirius claps his hands. "I'll go along with that."

I should leave now. This isn't a good idea. What if I get Sirius? We're not talking at the moment, so it could be embarrassing. More than that, someone might see what the kiss means to me. If I was sober, I wouldn't do this. But the fact that I'm drunk means the pros are outweighing the cons. I may get to kiss Sirius.

"Peter, and Kochanski." Kris makes a forced smile, and comes forward.

"10, 9, 8…" chant Sirius and James. As the kiss ends I see Kris wipe the back of her hand across her mouth.

"Oh, me… and Sam." The two girls kiss, and James whoops excitedly.

"Keep your pants on, mate," says Sirius.

"Remus. And Black." James winces. Sirius looks at me apologetically.

"Moony, if you don't want…"

"It wouldn't be fair otherwise." I lean forward and into his lips. At first he's shy, hesitant, but he gains confidence. I shut my eyes as his tongue explores my mouth. Dimly I can feel his hand entwining in my hair, and I put my arm around his neck. Somewhere I can hear James counting down.

"4, 3, 2, 1!" I draw back quickly. There's a slight question in his eyes, and I can't meet them. I know my cheeks are flushed, but hopefully everyone else is too full of alcohol to notice.

"What, again! Black and Carter." He kisses her, a smile on his face the whole ten seconds. I remember he smiled when he kissed James, and Jack. Not when he kissed me. What's wrong with me?

---

We're sat in the dorm. The other three are sat on the floor playing Exploding Snap while I lie back on my bed. It's late, or early, depending on your point of view. I can feel a headache coming on. My hangovers seem to start before I even get sober.

"Ha, Padfoot, in your face!"

"Oh, shut up Prongs."

"Padfoot, d'you think McFarland is gay?" Sirius laughs, that stupid bark, at Peter's question. "Is that a no?"

"Oh, Merlin, Wormtail. Jack is so bent he makes a corner look straight."

"Gay guys freak me out."

Sirius sounds mad. I can't see him, and maybe that's a good thing. "So I freak you out, Wormtail."

"You're not gay, Padders, you're bi." It's strange for James to be the voice of reason.

"Still, I like guys. Do I 'freak' you out, Wormtail?"

"That's not what I meant, Padfoot, and you know it. Let me explain. Gay guys, not bi, scare me. They only like other guys. It doesn't seem natural. They could be watching us, and we'd never know."

"Mind you," James sounds thoughtful, "at least you wouldn't have to worry about them stealing your girlfriend."

Sirius laughs slightly. "I still think you're talking out of your ass, Wormtail."

I can't take this. I stand up and begin to cross the room.

"Moony? Where're you going?"

"Out," I snap.

"If anyone sees you you'll get detention."

"Tell someone who cares." I leave the dorm, slamming the door behind me, and walk out of the tower. I don't care if anyone catches me. At the moment I don't care about anything. I have no idea where I'm going, I'm just walking with my head down. The portraits are all snoring around me. My hearing is sensitive this close to the full moon, and I can't hear Filch or that cat. There's nothing going on in my head, just a complete blur. My body's going where it wants, leading my head easily. It seems like my heart's been ruling my head recently. I haven't listened to my head. My head told me to get away from Sirius, to leave him alone. But I couldn't bear not to be with him, and so I stayed. But I think this has caused me more pain. Oh, it's good to see him, but everything's different. We can't talk. He was right, something has died between us. My heart ruled again tonight. I shouldn't have stayed. I need Sirius. I can't just stay being his friend, even if I was at the moment. I know I can't be his boyfriend, and that's what's killing me. He's with Stromboli. This is the longest he's ever been with anyone. I think Stromboli is the person Sirius loves. That hurts.

I look up. I'm in the Astronomy tower. Crossing to the window, I can see the moon above me, mocking me. I hate the moon. Being a werewolf, it hurts. The monster is inside of me, just hidden under the surface, and sometimes it's really hard to keep the wolf under control. It's partly the wolf's fault that I'm in love with Sirius. The wolf recognises Sirius as the alpha male, and tries to put itself under his dominance.

No one likes me. Oh, they might think they like Remus Julius Lupin, but they don't know me. They don't know my secret. If they did, they'd run from me. Everyone hates me, without even knowing they're doing it. I'm not my own person anyway. I'm 'Potter and Black's friend, the quiet clever one'.

Why can't I be me? I'm not them, and they're not me. I want to do something that makes me stand out. I can't just be their shadow for the rest of my life. Anytime I do find someone who does seem to like me, the others get jealous and spoil it. Like Severus. He wanted to speak to me, he liked _me_. But no, Sirius had to get rid of it. Now Severus won't even look at me, scared of seeing the wolf. It's only me who's not allowed to have any other friends. Sirius has more than I can count, James is friends with the Quidditch players, and even Peter has friends among the Hufflepuffs. No one complains about those. But I have to be kept alone, apart from everyone.

I'm a monster. The books all say so. A 'murderous beast' is what it says in Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. In Defence Against the Dark Arts we're taught that werewolves are to be avoided at all cost, as if they have a deadly disease. Which it is. I used to think I was separate from the wolf, that it was a different part of me that I could control, or at least that it was a part that couldn't control me. Now though… at times, I lose control. It takes everything in my power to stop me from throwing people who annoy me across the room. I could have killed Severus. I remember the feeling, of excitement and bloodlust… I wanted to kill him, to hurt him and rip his body to shreds. I wanted it. Not the wolf, but every part of me.

What is there in my life to make me want to stay? Sirius hates me. Peter's scared of me, I see it in his eyes. James is too preoccupied with Lily to care. I have no real friends. Home… there's nothing for me there. My father's always drunk, and mother has no real interest in anything, not since the werewolf who gave me the bite also killed my sister. Going home only means staying locked up in a cellar for the full moon. My parents don't care what happens to me. Mother blames me for everything, I see it when she looks at me.

Peter's feelings on gays… I'm gay, I know it. The only person I've ever liked is Sirius, and he's male. James would tell me that Peter's feelings don't matter, but I know he's just like other people. Other people would hate me for being gay, turn away from me. I don't want to be different, but I can't help that I fell in love. If I could, I would have chosen someone who wouldn't break my heart, someone I know could love me back.

I move to the window. Up here the windows are large, so that several students can look out at once. I can fit through the window. I kneel on the window and look down. This is the tallest part of the castle. If I fell, I wouldn't survive.

_I don't wanna die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all…_

That song seems to sum up my life. I take a deep breath, and shut my eyes.

**Well? Will Rem jump? Will someone stop him? Remember, when you review you are fuelling an addiction (but ah well). I'm going to try to finish this before I go on holiday, but I may not succeed. Probably will.**

**ISC- Woah, were you hyper? I want them to hook up too, but not yet I'm afraid. And, just because you washed his hair and made him shimmer Sev is going to be in the follow up to this fic. Which I haven't written yet. Called Save Me- everyone, keep a look out for it!**

**KawaiiMegami86****- Aw. I think everyone identifies with Rem- he's the different person in all of us. That was a 110 word sentence you wrote. Wow, but I love long reviews. And I like your HP fic! Keep on with it, when you get bored. That's when I write ;)**

**winterbaby93****- I'm sorry. I cried a little writing it, but I was also upset because Will and Jack in Will and Grace are perfect for each other. But that's completely different, so… Sirius is bi, and everyone knows it, so him being with either sex is just normal. I didn't think before about whether Siri was still with Stromboli. So thanks, for reminding me and making me put in a plot point!**

**checkmarks****- Short and sweet. I like it.**

**Silverwitch07****- Aw, flattery will get you everywhere with me. Really? Aw. :blushes:**

**butterflywings32****- What type of cookies? I like oatmeal and raisin (I have to be different). Don't worry, I understood what your first review meant. I'm not a big fan of mpreg, coz it seems strange to me. Aw, and you like me. Ta!**

**carpe-nox-sulum-nox****- The thought of the squee is enough. Thank you. Now, those are a lot of things to come after me with. Ah, but I can beat it… I will come after you with Crazy Frog, Celine Dion and the Spice Girls! And any other awful bands I can find! If you haven't heard of them, take it from me they're awful.**

**deathfire1334****- We're addicted because we're suffering Siridenial. No one can believe he's gone, and so have to resort to angsty slash to get their fix. He does have a reason, and it will be explained soon. Promise. **

**Versipellis****- Ah, but Rem keeps things bottled up inside. I don't get to read the new book until at least the 26th! Damn stupid holiday, keeping me from reading…**

**Lady of Faerie****- This is the first story I've ever written where I know exactly what's going to happen, so I'm happy (ecstatic more like) that people think it's good. And 'awesome'!**

**Robyn1212****- Everyone should be slash addicts. I hope (that's twisted, but hey) that you cried at this chapter too! And must ask, in your fic 'A Guardian Angel' is she called after you?**

**Lykaios Nyx****- Don't squash those darlings too much! And don't worry, reviews get to me eventually. I can cope with a little delay :sniff: ;)**

**Lil-Riter****- Another one of the hand stalkers! Yay! I would make the chapters longer, but then they'd be really boring in the middle, and would take forever to be updated coz I'd get bored. I have the attention span of a gnat.**

**SLC- Thank you for the names. I think it will be General Lee, coz that name seems to suit the thing.**


	6. Confessing

**KawaiiMegami86**** has to win for getting most of the characters! Most people got at least one though, so that's ok. They were- Hotlips Houlihan from MASH (my fav show EVER), Jack McFarland from Will and Grace, Kris Kochanski from Red Dwarf and the really random one that I'm not surprised no one got was Sam Carter from Stargate SG1. **

**Right, now on with the show. This is how most people wanted things to go, and I was going to write this anyway. Also, I'm now taking any requests for new fics that people want me to write. Coz the summer's coming up, and my holiday, so I need something to do, and it may as well be something that people like. **

"What the- Re, get out of the window!" Damn, damn, damn. The only person who'd ever be able to talk me out of this is Sirius- so of course he's the one who's found me.

"No. Now get lost."

"You could fall!"

"That is the general idea."

"What!" He runs into the room to stand behind me. "Rem! You don't want to fall, you might die."

"What have I got left to live for?"

"There's me. And Prongs, and Wormtail."

"You?" My voice is dead, lifeless. "You don't care about me."

"Re, I care! I've barely spoken to you in the past month and it's been killing me."

I turn around and step back into the room. He's standing with his hair mucked up in a way that would normally send my heart spinning around. Not now. "Do you want sympathy? Yo betrayed me. The one thing I keep to myself you told. For all your high talk about how you looked past my curse, you still only see me as a monster."

Surprise appears in his eyes, and he shakes his head quickly. "Re, no…"

"You knew I would kill Snape, and I think you wanted me to," I hiss.

"Maybe." I look at him again, taken aback by the admission of guilt. He's staring off into space. "You never did let me explain why I did it." He takes a deep breath. "I was jealous."

"What? What of?"

He's drumming his fingers on his leg, something he only does when he's nervous. "Snape. When I saw you with him, you were relaxed, smiling and joking. You haven't been like that around me for ages. And he fancied you, I could see it in his eyes."

I shrug angrily. "So what if he liked me? Sirius, aren't I allowed someone? I wouldn't have gone out with Snape, but can't I have a friend?"

"I didn't think he was good enough for you," he says in a small voice.

I shake my head and turn away, back to the window. "You know, you can't physically stop me from killing myself."

He stands beside me. "Full moon's on Thursday. Strength kicking in?" I nod. "Listen, Re, let me get something straight. You want to kill yourself just because you _might_ have killed Snape, and because I've been a git?"

"No, not just that." I sigh. "I'm in love, and it's killing me."

"What? Why?"

"I can't tell him. He already has someone, and he'd never look twice at me in that way."

"Re, you're an amazing guy, and- hang on, he?"

I stiffen. Make or break time. I'm glad I can't see his face. "Yes. I'm gay."

"Ah. That's why you got pissed off and walked out of the room. Rem," he puts his arms around me from behind, "being gay is nothing wrong. Pete's a prat, you know that."

I relax against him. "It's just another way of making me different, Siri."

"Bull. There are tons of gay guys in the school, and some bi ones like me."

"There's about twenty."

"Suppose. Is the guy you like gay?" I nod, knowing he'll feel the movement rather than see it. "Then you should tell him how you feel, even if he has got a boyfriend. Moony, you're an amazing guy. Anyone with half a brain can see that. And if he doesn't feel the same way about you, then he doesn't deserve you."

I pull away, and sit on the floor, my back against the wall. "He won't like me. I don't deserve him. Merlin, I can never hold onto anyone else. I have no one."

He sits a little way away, watching me. "No, just your family, your friends. Your parents don't hate you for everything you are. They don't beat you, try to break you, throw you out."

"My parents don't even acknowledge my existence. They're scared of the wolf, partly. Do you know what it's like to have a father who stays out all night drinking, because he doesn't want to see you? Or a mother who ignores you, unable to even stay in the same room as you because she blames you for your sister's death?"

He frowns. "You never told us about your family."

I know that. It hurts, and not even my best friends would be able to make it feel better. Now that I'm going to die, I may as well tell. "It started when I was bitten. I was seven and my sister was five. We were camping, and it was full moon. The werewolf got into our tent, killed my sister first and then bit me. He would have killed me too, but my father came in and killed him first." Tears are rolling silently down my cheeks. This is the first time I've ever told anyone the story. Sirius gets up and sits back next to me, putting his arm around my shoulder. I lean into him.

"It wasn't your fault."

I talk through the tears. "Siri… if I'd jumped in front of her, pushed her behind me, protected her, then she would have only received a bite, and she'd still be alive."

"But you wouldn't be." He turns his head to speak into my hair. "Rem, let me tell you what I believe. Everyone's time of death is preordained, so we can't change that, coz death'll get us somehow. So, if I stopped you from jumping and you were meant to die, then you'd just drop dead."

I shake my head and pull away. "Nice story, Sirius. Sometimes I wonder. I think it might have been better if I died. My parents would be happier. You guys would be."

"No, Re! You're one of the best people I know. Better than the rest of us Marauders. You're so good, and kind. You keep us under control. Without you I'd be just like the rest of my family, an arrogant git who believes everyone else is just around for my amusement."

"No, Padders-"

He nods earnestly. "Yeah. You're my conscience. Whenever I'm about to do something bad, your disapproving face pops into my head."

"Doesn't stop you though."

"Oh, you'd be surprised. I've stopped loads of times, thinking about what you'd say." I stare at him. He shrugs. "Not every time. Sorry."

I stand up and walk across to the window again, leaning on it. "I hate my whole life, Siri. My curse… lycanthropy. Do you know where the word comes from? Greek. _Lukos,_ meaning wolf and _anthropos, _man. I'm caught between those two worlds. I'm not a complete human. The pain of the transformations… You've never seen them."

"No, but I've heard them."

I smile sadly. "Yes. I can't bear the pain any more, Sirius. I'm beginning to give into the wolf, letting it take control of me, fill me with anger and rage and bloodlust…"

He pulls me round and into an embrace. He rests his cheek on the top of my head and makes soothing sounds. "Remmie, don't worry. The wolf is part of you, yes, but something you have the strength to control. I believe in you. And we can help you."

I pull away, making a halfway successful attempt to stop crying. "Yes, you can. By leaving now and letting me die in peace."

"No." He shakes his head resolutely.

I stand at the window again. "OK. Tell James and Pete that it's not their fault."

"But it is mine?"

I ignore that, and instead begin to sing. "Goodbye everybody, I've got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth…" I turn to face him. "After all, death is the next great adventure." He nods, and I climb into the window. I didn't realise before just how high it was. When I fall, I'll hit the cliffs and bounce off, until my body rests in the lake. "Bye, Sirius."

He's silent for a moment. "Bye." Then he clambers into the window, next to me. There's barely enough room for us both.

"Sirius, what the hell are you doing? You could fall!"

He grins nervously. "Like you said before, Rem, that is the general idea." He peers down. "Bloody high, isn't it?"

I gape at him. "Why? Sirius, you have everything to live for. You're clever, handsome, half the school wants to date you-"

"Re." He cuts me off firmly. "If you die, I die."

I shake my head. "Guilting me won't work. I'll still do it."

"Rem-" he takes a deep breath- "I need you. I'm in love with you."

**winterbaby93****- Randomness makes the world go round, so don't worry! And W&G rocks!**

**checkmarks****- I'm a scary person! Well, Rem and Siri are going to have to talk about their feelings now…**

**Versipellis****- I'm sorry, I couldn't make him jump. About the name- I didn't know it was canonly John, so ta- but I really couldn't resist making it Julius. If I could (and I was in a weird mood) I might have ended up calling him Remus Julius Augustus Claudius Nero Hadrian Lupin…**

**MinnieDiabolo- Nah, I'm afraid I buy into the SiriRem slash. If I made it unrequited I think I'd probably be lynched by all my lovely amazing reviewers. I wouldn't snap at anyone who bothered to review me!**

**KawaiiMegami86****- Ah, another long lovely review:) Ah, my reputation for angst will remain intact, especially when you see the follow up to this fic! Ta for the grammar thingy, General Lee didn't pick it up. Ah, Will and Jack. Seriously, I only started watching it a couple of weeks ago- got ten minutes into it and decided they were perfect!**

**I-Shave-Clowns****- They are cute, and drama is a good thing in life.**

**PrincessSkywalkerOrgana****- Really? Sometimes I feel like I'm repeating myself. But cool, that you liked it, and my other fic!**

**A M-Kyle Willert is hot- Thanks for the idea about Rem telling Siri about his home- I only threw that bit in at the last moment on the last chapter, so I almost forgot about it for this one.**

**IssaLee****- There you go, you can safely review again. Yeah, Severus is gay (sure, why not?) And Padders has come to the rescue… Sure you can borrow the names! Just let me know what the fic is called, so I can read it! ;)**

**BeautifulMisconception****- Thank you for the hug and the sentiment**

**peacockgal17****- Aw, I've been added to the good list! Ta!**

**Silverwitch07****- You're making my ego fat, you know. And of course he saves the day, otherwise I wouldn't be a romantic.**

**Lady Pyrefly- So many things, in just one fic. Ga, I'm good… ;)**

**Shay- At 4 in the morning I have trouble even opening my eyes, so don't worry**

**shay- Don't know if you're the same person as Shay above, but thanks!**

**RonaldYHarry****- I'm glad you couldn't find anything wrong! Another person to add to the hand fanatics…**

**SilverTrinity****- Thank you, and here is your next part**

**SLC- Ta for the grammar, that's what I'm most likely to muck up on. And the computer is now officially General Lee. I will knight it with my imaginary inflatable silver hammer (that's not as strange as it sounds)**

**lauren- There you go, more and fast. And ta for reviewing the other one, and liking it, and reviewing both!**

**Hannio****- I always take care not to get that drunk! And I love your stories, the ones under your other names. Are you going to update them:puppy dog eyes:**

**Kira Miri- Thank you for liking it! And for saying that it's one of your favourites**

**carpe-nox-sulum-nox****- The eight series isn't out yet over here! And I don't have any of the DVDs… but hey, I've watched every episode at least twice so that's ok. A killer rabbit as well? Oh my Ga! You shall receive the… English bad weather (although outside is pretty nice right now). Ta for reviewing the other one. Bubbles…**

**madscotswoman****- I'm writing just from Remus' view (and one chap into Severus) but dunno why. Maybe I'll add on one later from Sirius' pov…**

**Pippin-chan- A knife as well? My reviewers can be really mean (luv ya really!)**

**phaedradarkwood****- I'm feeding an addiction here. Ah well. And now you don't have to die, either!**

**EsScaper****- I've updated pretty quickly… And you like the chapter? I don't know. My brain's getting muddled.**

**Lady of Faerie****- I've had 'the feeling' too, back in November last time. And you're good at guessing, aren't you?**

**Lykaios Nyx****- Yay, that's what I was going for!**


	7. Believing

**This was going to be a nice happy ending. I changed my mind. Authoress' privilege. I decided I was going to create more angstyness. Mwhahahahaha (etc). You're lucky to have this- I've had my school prom (which was amazing- although I ripped my dress before I got there), a ruby wedding- not my own, and I go to Spain tomorrow. So no updates for a week- I'll leave you all hanging! Sorry for being so evil. This is only short, but I thought I'd leave you something to read!**

"What?" I stare at him incredulously. "I don't believe you."

"Why not?"

"Because… you're just trying to stop me from jumping. You'd say anything."

"No!" He shakes his head desperately. "Rem, I really do love you. And if you still want to jump, then I'm not going to stop you. But I'll jump too."

Looking into his eyes, he seems to be serious. The ever-present spark of mischief is gone, and the black holes seem troubled. But no! This is Sirius!

"Even if I did believe you, why do you think I'd want to stay?" Outside it had begun to rain, and the drops were blowing in to land on us. I raised my voice to be heard above the wind. "Sirius, I know you! You fall in and out of love so fast that they've installed revolving doors on your bed! You wouldn't know real love if it bit you on the ass!"

His eyes are blazing. "I wouldn't? Let me tell you what real love is, Moony! Real love is not being able to sleep unless you're in the same room and I can hear you breathing. Real love is failing Astronomy so that I can be tutored by you. Real love is hating the pain you go through, feeling every scream you make. Real love is noticing the little things you do, like pushing your hand through your hair or frowning when you read. Real love is knowing every little detail, including imperfections, and loving you all the more for them!"

"What kind of imperfections?"

"Well, everyone thinks you're just quiet, but really you're antisocial because you're afraid of people finding out who you are and hurting you, and that makes you feel vulnerable. You have an addiction to chocolate, and when you get some and start eating it you look angelic. You're constantly sarcastic, and you tell me off for being me, and you hide yourself away in the library…"

"You forgot my two biggest imperfections. My body is covered in scars, and I turn into a wolf once a month."

"No." He reaches across and takes my hand. "The wolf is part of you. Without it you wouldn't be you, my own cantankerous Moony. And the scars…" He traces one on the back of my hand with his thumb. "They remind me that you're beautiful on the inside as well, because you're so strong that you don't mention them." He releases my hand and hunches away. "Even if you don't jump, I might. You're in love with someone. "

"It's you." My voice is dead, lifeless.

"What?"

"Sirius, it's only ever been you. I've watched you for ages. I've never had any other partner. Every new boyfriend or girlfriend you had drove daggers straight through my heart. If you damn well loved me then why did you do that? And why did you tell me you were in love?"

"I was! With you!"

"You never told me that! The next day you were snogging Stromboli. Do you know how that feels?"

He's blinking. "I guess I didn't think."

"Sirius, you never think!" I turn away, shaking as tears run down my face.

"I'm sorry, Rem." He sounds genuine, so heartbroken I have to look at him. The rain has plastered his hair to his skull, except for wisps which have escaped to curl crazily. His shirt is sticking to his torso, going see-through. I can see his muscles, the six pack that makes everyone with a pulse skip a breath, even the straight guys and lesbians. His makeup has run, giving him huge black circles around his eyes. It can't just be from the rain. He must have been crying. As I watch he begins to sob, leaning away from me. "I'm so sorry. Rem, you deserve someone better than me. Someone who thinks about you, and doesn't argue, and doesn't flirt, and is serious…"

I reach towards him. "That's not what I want. I want someone who cares enough about me to spend years researching a spell to make my life more bearable. I want someone who gets lost dancing to my song, and who wears makeup even though he's male, and who laughs at everything, and who pretends to be strong but is really vulnerable."

He shakes his head, looking at me. "I'm not good enough for you, and you need to get on with your life." He takes my hand and raises it to his lips, kissing it. His lips are cold, icy, and his breath ghosts across my hand as he speaks. "Bye Rem."

He pushes himself forward, into empty space. I grab for him quickly. I won't lose him, not now. Gritting my teeth, I hold on as his weight pulls me across the wet stones. "Rem, let go!"

"No!" I look down into his terrified eyes. "You really think you can love me and leave me to die without you? I love you!" I can feel myself slipping. The rain is blowing into my eyes, making it hard to see.

Then I fall.

Somehow I'm holding Sirius. We twist and turn, buffeted by the winds. I pull him so that he's falling on top of me, and so that I'll land first. My werewolf skeleton may survive better than his. He's clinging to me, his eyes clenched shut.

Pain.

Blackness.

**carpe-nox-sulum-nox****- Ta. And I love long random reviews. I was going to watch Cambridge Spies, but I never got round to it. Must do that at some point. Yeah, dunno if marriages between people and fics are legal… but hey! And the English weather was awful the other day, waking me up at 5 with thunder. They had the same stuff at Glastonbury :snigger:. And you didn't threaten me! I love you!**

**SilverTrinity****- Ha! Even bigger cliffie now!**

**I-Shave-Clowns****- That is how you spell spectacular. I think.**

**kaotickween****- Ta! Especially for the 'wow's**

**Versipellis****- Yeah, I know, my parents tell me so all the time.**

**KawaiiMegami86****- Ah, but he can still fall… I'm evil.**

**Silverwitch07****- Sirius is a dude, so he had to tell Rem. Coz he's going crazy.**

**deathfire1334****- Another short sweet review. Now would not be the best time to tell everyone I'll be away for two weeks after Spain…**

**EsScaper****- Enough soulpouringoutness? Who cares if that ain't a word.**

**lauren- Ta lovie, but still sad? I'm such an angst whore, and I don't like reading it coz I want the characters to be happy, but I still read it and still write it.**

**winterbaby93****- Maybe you're his soulmate in this reality (but everyone knows it's me ;)**

**siriusly delusional- I'm getting good at evil endings**

**madscotswoman**** Just for you, Stromboli will be making a reappearance in the story. Bad guy!**

**Minority- Ta darling, and here is the rest.**

**butterflywings32****- Darling, I don't mind. And I love your story! So plug away!**

**Lykaios Nyx****- I have to be vague. Leave something to your imagination!**

**SLC- Buy your inflatable silver hammer at SCTMCL now! (scarecrow, tin man, cowardly lion- I'm sad) Ask for Maxwell!**

**checkmarks****- I always do cliffies!**

**Tanya J Potter****- Haha, even less nice cliffy!**

**Robyn1212- I was quite affected by the last chapter. And, yeah, but I like my middle name better. What, I don't own them?**

**the Hermione Jane Weasley G- Ah, but everyone would have got annoyed. That could have been funny.**

**IssaLee- Ah, well. Remus thinks too much, methinks.**

**Lady of Faerie- I am pretty obvious, yeah.**


	8. Waiting

**Ah, I got so many lovely reviews. Quite a few people thought I was going to let them die- nah. With thanks to Versipellis for reminding me a couple of chapters ago that Remus' skeleton could probably survive. Bet you guys missed me, huh? Anyways, here's the next chapter. Half written on a balcony at 1.30 am, half written on a bumpy bus at 3 in the morning. 26 hour journey, anyone? Replies to reviews will be in the next chapter, or else this chapter would be shorter than the notes. The next chapter will be up on Friday, with all the replies. I love you all! **

**Sorry if it's crap. Remember, I was half asleep at the time of creation.**

**Oh yeah, and it's James' POV.**

Shit. I cannot believe this has happened. Two of my best friends are almost dead. Moony literally. His bones were almost all broken by the fall from the Astronomy tower, and the Skele-Gro Madame Pomfrey gave him hadn't had time to work by the time full moon came. The bones all broke again, while still within the healing process. No one knows if he'll wake up. He sacrificed himself to save Padders, letting his werewolf skeleton take the blows. As for Padfoot himself…

He had broken bones as well, but nowhere near as severe as Moony's. Padfoot had a broken arm, broken leg and two cracked ribs. He was allowed out of the infirmary after three days. Something's changed inside him. He's gotten reckless. Without Re's influence, he mucks around in class constantly, never studies (even the bare essentials that normally pass for study) and he's getting drunk every night. He flirts downstairs, then goes up at about eleven and locks himself onto the balcony. He won't admit anything is wrong though. I confronted him, but he flatly denied he had a problem. He also disappears for hours at a time, usually using my Invisibility Cloak. Stromboli's getting wound up, not that I really care about that prat. He's convinced that Sirius is cheating on him. I highly doubt it. The only person I think Padders could care for at the moment is Moony, and he's in a coma.

Sirius blames himself for what happened. As to what it actually was, I don't know. He won't tell me. Hell, he's barely even talking to me at the moment. All I know is that it was something to do with them. Well, obviously, but them. Together. The two of them are crazy about each other, and yet they won't admit it. They watch each other, thinking I don't notice, but I do. I see the way Moony's eyes leave his book to watch Padfoot come into a room. I see how Padders finds little ways to take care of Remus even though he doesn't notice. I see how they both light up when they're around each other. Everyone else says that they're complete opposites, and they don't know how the two of them can be friends. They're not completely different. Both of them are vulnerable, but for different reasons- Remus for his lycanthropy, and Sirius for his family. When they're together they draw on each other's strength.

Padders also blames Wormtail for the incident. He made some stupid comment about gays on that night, and that's what made Moony leave the room. Wormtail does talk a load of bull most of the time, but it's still wound Sirius up. I'm guessing Moony is gay. As far as I know he's never had a girlfriend, and even Wormtail managed that. Not that there's no interest- girls love him. Moony is quiet, sensitive, handsome and clever. But he's never taken advantage of them, unlike Padfoot and me. There's no doubt about Padfoot. He's bi all the way. I think he's so oversexed that he'd go for anything. But normally, he stares at people he fancies, undressing them with his eyes, not listening to them at all. With Remus it's different. He does undress him at times, coz he gets this small smirk in the corner of his mouth. He does listen though. And responds, with words other than 'yes', 'no', or 'I don't know'.

Oh no, I think he's already started drinking. It's five o'clock, and I'm in the common room. He just bounded in, and blew kisses to the girls. I haven't seen him this happy in days. He throws himself into the chair opposite me.

"What you doing, Prongs?"

I gesture at my book. "Reading. We've got a test tomorrow, and a party tonight, so I'm revising now."

"You're so boring! Come on Prongs, let's get a couple of girls, some Firewhiskey, and go down to the pond. Have some fun."

I shut my book. "Moony's lying in the infirmary in a coma. I don't really feel like having fun."

He glares. "Do you think I've forgotten that? I damn well put him there!"

"What happened?"

He shakes his head and stands, his earlier happy mood gone. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Padfoot, Sirius, talk to me. I just want to help."

"You can't. No one can." He speaks with a hushed voice.

"OK. I'm here if you need me." He starts off across the room, but I run to cut him off. "Just don't drink, please?"

"Why not?" His voice is still quiet, but this time dangerously so. "Why not, Potter?"

"Because it's not helping anyone, especially you, and if Remus wakes up and you're completely pissed it will hurt him."

"Look into my eyes and tell me I give a shit." With that, he leaves the room. I really hope Remus wakes up soon. Otherwise Sirius will end up killing himself with the drink.

**Short, and more swearwords than any other chapter (they're teenage boys), but I hope you like. Bye…………………………………………………..**


	9. Changing

**Here it is, the next chapter. I'm exhausted. Hope you all appreciate it. Hell, you probably do, you're all lovely!**

**Sirius' POV. This may be the last chapter for a couple of weeks (please don't kill me). I'm going to Ireland to play with my baby cousin, which is really annoying as it means I miss 16th July. I have to wait till the 26th until I find out what happens. Smeg.**

I hate the infirmary at this time of night. The light from outside makes the white room shine in strange places. It also makes you feel as though there's no hope for the people you're with. Hope. The greatest of human treasures, and the greatest of human curses. It can lift you up or destroy you in a single moment. Hope makes us believe things can be different, and then laughs in your face for daring to believe.

He's still in a coma. As I watch him he shudders and breathes my name. I come up here every night to watch him sleep. No one else knows. I can't let them see me with him. If they did then they'd realise just how much this damn well hurts. He looks so lost, lying there on the pillows, so pale and lifeless. His lips are constantly moving, talking feverishly. Evans said once that when eyes are moving under the eyelids it means the person is dreaming. I'm not sure how much I trust her Muggle nonsense. But it's a nice idea. I'd like to think he's dreaming of me. It's usually my name that he says. I bend over his bed to hear him better.

"Sirius…Padders…no, not Azkaban…I hate you…save me…run…yes, I knew him, or I thought I did…_he_ was the one…we've got to explain…he thought I was the spy…he's gone…there's nothing you can do, Harry…" Harry. That name gets mentioned quite a lot. I can't help a surge of jealousy every time he says it. Harry could be anyone, someone in his family, or a friend, or a character in a book he read. But just the thought that he might be thinking about another man… I understand now why he got so upset about Stromboli, and I realise what an insensitive prat I've been. I really am awful. I'm not going to try to kill myself again, but I do hate myself. I'm a jealous idiot who thinks he has the right to expect all one person's love, while seeing other people.

That's partly why I drink. In a way, it's the only reason I drink. I know Prongs is right, and I should stop, but I can't. I need the alcohol. It helps me forget. When I'm drunk, I don't have to remember what a bastard I am. It means for a night I can go to sleep without seeing his terrified face in front of me. If only he'd let go. Then everything would be ok. He'd be awake, and able to carry on his life without me. But I still don't see what business it is of Potter's. If I want to muck up my life then it's my own choice. It would hurt Rem though, much as I hate to admit it. Well, if he does wake up, then I'll stop. Or I'll just hide it. He wouldn't be able to tell, and there's a potion in my trunk that masks alcoholic smells.

I'll change if he wakes up. I'll become so much better, if he wakes up and he'll have me. I won't let anyone else hurt him. And, if his injuries remain, then I'll look after him. I'll always think about him, and I'll do little things for him, like thinking about what he'd like to do and just generally being considerate. Not just in the crappy dates way. My dates always say 'Oh, you're so thoughtful'; but things like flowers and chocolates are all just part of the package. I'll stop being so arrogant. I'll never take him for granted.

I told Prongs that I didn't give a shit about how Re would feel if he woke up and I was drunk. I don't think I've ever told a bigger lie. I had to lie. Otherwise Prongs would have been able to see just how much Rem means to me, and I haven't managed to admit that to myself yet. If someone else knows, then somehow it becomes more real. I care so much about how Rem feels. If he looks at me disapprovingly it's enough to make me stop, and rethink. I don't want to make his eyes fill with pain. If I ever do, then I'll take myself away from him altogether, to stop the pain.

I look down at him again. His eyelids are fluttering, and I hear his voice, slightly stronger than before. "Siri?"

I grab his hand and hold it to my chest. "Re? Oh, thank Merlin, you're ok."

He smiles slightly, his eyes still shut. "Don't know 'bout that. What happened?"

I shut my eyes in pain and take a deep breath. "I jumped from the tower, but you held onto my hand. We fell, and you took most of the injuries."

He opens his eyes and searches my face. His amber eyes seem so alive, in contrast to the rest of his face. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah, Madame Pomfrey fixed me up pretty quickly. You've been asleep for three weeks." He brushes my face with his free hand. I'm still holding the other. "It wasn't your fault." His voice is hoarse from lack of use.

Tears spring up into my eyes, a combination of alcohol, relief at him being all right and his words. "If I hadn't jumped…"

"Then I would have. Siri, don't cry. Everything's going to be ok." His eyes are falling shut again. He should sleep now, not just the fevered coma he's had recently.

I lean across and kiss him lightly on the forehead. "I'll be back in the morning. Love you, Rem."

His voice makes me jump. "Love you Padders."

I smile and leave the room. For the first time in weeks I'll be able to sleep.

---

I'm in the Infirmary again, but this time it's day. Madame Pomfrey has allowed us to bend the rules, and have people in here. Prongs and Wormtail are ballroom dancing, trying to impress Evans and some girl Wormtail's got a crush on. It's just us up here with Moony, celebrating the fact that he's all right.

Evans has her Muggle music box with her. In an attempt to stop the dancing, she's changing the song. Bloody Bohemian Rhapsody again. The only reason I put up with that song is because Re likes it. I take his hand as it begins.

"You ok?"

He smiles. "I'm awake, and everything's ok with us. I'm more than happy." I sit back and try to sing, but he winces. "Actually, Siri, could you change the song? That part of my life is over."

I nod, and walk to the box, releasing his hand reluctantly. I move the needle thingy, and it lands on the end of a song. _I'm having a good time, I don't want to stop at all…_

A new song. A new start.

**Oh my God I hate that ending. I had to change the song though. Who knows what the next one on the album is? Queen Greatest Hits 1, btw. The angst shall return, but the next few chapters may be slightly fluffy. Oh, and is Rem really ok? Find out next week, on Soap!**

**Lykaios Nyx****- Ah, bless you. Remus should punch Siri…  
****girl-in-the-moon****- I'm sorry! Had rehearsals, party and concert on Thursday… Don't hit me? Please?  
****IssaLee****- What idea? Sorry, I'm dense. That is a pretty funny idea… can I use that in another fic?  
****carpe-nox-sulum-nox****- You gave me a random fact- ta! And Spain is cool, especially Tossa (you have to love the name!)  
Ari-chan- Can I have some plushies too?  
****SilverTrinity****- Happy ending for now… until I get back!  
****Silverwitch07****- Glad you like Siri's reaction.  
lauren- I do read angst, it just kills me to read it. Dunno why I do it to myself. Hope you're still enjoying  
Tamaschanter Tikitigo- We don't really know what they were like at this age, but ta for your review. Espec for saying this is still addictive  
****Birchy****- Yes, I am insane, and glad you like this  
lothelary- I know about five words of Spanish- hola, adios, gracias, agua, and puta. Last one isn't a nice word.  
****Hannio****- Fluffy iceberg, dead ahead!  
****butterflywings32****- Send me the stuff whenever. Ha, you can't kill me…  
****Dark Lady of Griffindor****- Well, Siri was drunk, and Rem didn't jump, he tried to save Siri.  
****Lady of Faerie****- I wasn't sure about the love bit, so ta for liking it  
SLC- You've turned into Yoda  
****RonaldYHarry****- I'm different! Yay! Cannot speak Spanish though. Me, not you.  
****KawaiiMegami86****- Still loving the huggles!  
****I-Shave-Clowns****- Fudge monkeys? Dudey…  
****EsScaper****- Did I explain it ok? The line just kinda came, I didn't think about it. God, I should start thinking more…  
****madscotswoman****- You are cool and inspiring.  
****Versipellis****- That's cheating. I didn't get to make you sweat!  
lil riter- It's gonna get sadder soon…  
siriusly delusional- This is for everyone. Siri still does care, but he's trying to hide it, coz he doesn't want James to know, and also he's feeling really guilty about everything and annoyed that James is right about his drinking. I think…  
darkstarr- Siri is an idiot, and thanks for liking this**

**And thanks to ****Jessica Goldberg****dancing in daydreams****satin insanity****angelofplottwists****deathfire1334****, pooka, ****PrincessSkywalkerOrgana****, Marauder Angel, Anonymous, ****freakanature****Becky Silver Black****, RemusLupinRocks and Willow Branch for reading this and reviewing. Yay, 159 reviews at last count… that's an average of 19.875 reviews per chapter.**


	10. Hating

**Howdy, dudes! Yay yay yay, I'm back… and I've written 2½ chapters of this, two one shots and six chapters of a new story. As well as reading too many books. For what I think of HBP (if you're interested), look at my profile thingy.**

**Remus and Sirius will discuss Remus' dream, in a later chapter. Chapter 12, Loving. **

**This chapter is dedicated to ****madscotswoman****, as she is totally obsessed with Stromboli. And guess who's POV this one is… Don't worry, it shall return to Remus. At some point.**

I hate him. He's so goddamn perfect, with his slightly too long blonde hair, and his intelligence, and his fascinating amber eyes. Oh, I think he's attractive, but I hate him for that. He's taken Sis, my Sis, away from me. They haven't gone public yet, but I can see the way they act around each other. The lingering glances, the quick touches. If I confronted Sis over it, he'd say it was because Lupin's ill. But that wouldn't explain the way Sis looks at him, with so much devotion in his eyes. It makes me sick. Lupin's turned Sis, my beautiful independent Sis, into nothing more than a puppy. And a lovesick one at that. James can see it. Every so often he makes Pettigrew leave with him so that the other two can have some time to themselves, in the library.

Sis is probably getting bored now. He needs excitement, and goody-two-shoes Lupin is hardly likely to supply that. I know how to kiss Sis, how to bring him close to the edge of oblivion, and sometimes tip him over. I doubt Lupin's ever even held hands. Maybe that's what Sis is going for. The corruption of an innocent. He won't be able to do much corrupting for a while, anyway. Lupin's ill. He can barely walk, and he winces when he's touched by anyone other than Sis. Even when Sis touches him, sometimes. Sis has become Lupin's personal nursemaid. They're constantly together. I haven't had a chance to talk to Sis yet. Lupin's always there. He doesn't try to interfere with us, which makes it worse. Instead he stands back, giving us room, but Sis gets fidgety, glancing back at his latest toy.

Sis has a thing for accents. There is no way to compare Lupin's with mine. His voice is soft, most of the time, and you can barely hear what he's saying. Except when he's angry. Once I heard him yelling at Sis and James. He started to speak about twenty times faster and the full force of his Irish brogue came out. Mine is just a slight Scottish lilt. I sound normal, unlike him.

I want to make him hurt. He's too nice. Once of the 'best' people in the year. Damn squiff (A/N Squiff basically means geek. English slang). I was with them for ages and I never heard him bitch or say something mean about anyone. He's quiet towards the Slytherins, not taking part in the pranks. He makes sure that the jokes Sis and James play don't go too far. No one plays jokes on him either, but if he thinks that's because they like him he's wrong. They won't do it because of Sis.

Even when Sis and I were together it was never just us. We did manage to be alone a few times, to do things Sis will never be able to do with Lupin, bound as he is by morals. James used to leave to go after Evans, taking Pettigrew with him. But Lupin was always there. Not always with us. Sometimes he'd just be reading in the corner of the room, but Sis would make us go and talk to him, saying he'd be lonely. He isn't lonely anymore, not since he stole my Sis to keep him company.

I'm watching them. We're in the Common Room and it's late at night. I'm hidden in the shadows, alone with my thoughts. Lupin is sat on a sofa in my direct line of sight. Sis is lying along it, his head cradled in Lupin's lap. Lupin's reading, but his free hand is brushing Sis' hair away from his face. That should be me. I should be sat there with my Sis, holding him and touching him.

I hate them both. They'll pay for this. I'll make them scream with pain.

**SlashyKitty****- They do make a nice combination, don't they? Angst and fluff. ****EsScaper****- Your reviews cheer me up, you're so nice. If I do something like not explaining something I said, tell me. I forget you guys can't read my mind. ****KawaiiMegami86****- I hope you enjoyed the book. :huggles: You should trademark them. ****Jessica Goldberg****- Aw, really? And the song will be Save Me. Coz that's the next song on both the copies of Greatest Hits I have. ****IssaLee****- It's ok, I managed to convince my parents that it was cheaper in Ireland. Which it was… by about 10p. ****Versipellis****- Yeah, I got it. Read it before everyone else woke up. ****Aussie Munchkin****- I love your name! I am short, so you could call me an Ozzie Munchkin. But my friends prefer Oompa Loompa. ****Lykaios Nyx****- Good weird? Coolness. ****fReDAnD GEoRGeWeASleY ArE gODs****- You can either have very long chapters once a month, or short ones every few days. And you're called super fantastic? Ta muchly for offering to kidnap me ;) ****I Have Sirius Problems****- There's not much meat on me, I wouldn't make a good meal. SLC- Yoda is a legend. And don't worry, I just typed the numbers into the calculator. 19.2 now. ****girl-in-the-moon****- I hope you never have to complain. ****Lil-Riter****- Are you still there? Do you still have a computer? ****bluefire-elemental****- Twill be revealed in about a week, when I manage to type the next two chapters. I-Shave-Clowns- Yes, dudey. Same meaning as froody, or cool. I overuse the word. Sammeh- Shh, I didn't pay attention in physics. Just learnt how to make Donkey popping noises from Shrek 2, and perfected my listening face. And have you really danced? Wowzers. :) ****carpe-nox-sulum-nox****- See above for next song on my copy. It might be the difference between different country's versions. And you're a very violent person. Agree with Under Pressure, but I do prefer The Show Must Go On. ****butterflywings32****- I hated that last sentence. I was being distracted at the time. But ta for liking the rest. And I love you too. oh happy day!- OMG. All chapters in a day? Woah. Seriously hyper. Aerylaance- Just reviewing makes it useful. But I didn't know where else I could go with Bohemian Rhapsody. ****sesshomaruhasafluffytail****- Where did your name come from? And I love you, too. And tell me what the fic is gonna be called, so I can read it.  
Mucho Gracias to ****Silverwitch07****, lauren, siriusly delusional, ****freakanature****Hannio****Rhea Carlysse****Dark Queen of Peaches****Lady of Faerie****checkmarks**** and Irianna. I love you all, with every part of my heart. **

**Next chapter will be longer, and soon. Tomorrow or Thursday. I promise.**


	11. Facing

**Ah, fluffiness abounds. Only these two chapters, then back to our normal angsty programming. I'm sorry about the stuff about falling, and angels; I was writing a Good Omens fic at the same time. Go and read Good Omens! It's a kickass book.**

He's watching me anxiously. "Are you sure you're up to this? It's only been a few weeks."

"Siri, I have to do this." I kiss him lightly on the nose. "And I have to do it without your help." He nods, still worried, and steps back as I start to climb the steep staircase to the top of the Astronomy tower. I have to do this. I have to stand at the top of the tower and see where I fell. If I can do it on my own it will also prove that I'm not ill anymore.

"Mind out," he says, catching my elbow.

As I struggle upwards, my leg muscles begin to protest strenuously. This is the most I've made them work since the Accident. It deserves the capital letter in my mind, having nearly killed me. I place the arm that Sirius isn't holding onto the banister and use it to pull me along.

"There are 101 steps here, you know."

I stop, and turn to him. "Are you trying to frighten me? I once walked up the steps at Covent Garden Tube Station."

"And the significance of that is?" His eyes are dancing.

"There're over 1000 of the things."

I start to climb again. My breath is becoming ragged, and I can feel my heart thumping in my head. "Re, are you ok?"

"Yes." I'm lying. My head is beginning to spin alarmingly, making it hard to see which step comes next. Somehow I manage to get to the top. I stagger into the room and lean back against a wall, sliding to the floor. My eyes are clenched shut, and my entire body is sticky with sweat. When I open my eyes Sirius is squatting next to me, his eyes wide with worry.

"Rem, you're not well."

"Really? Always knew you were perceptive," I gasp.

He sits next to me, pulling me into him and resting my head on his shoulder. "You're a bloody idiot. You knew you wouldn't be able to do this, but you still insisted. Stubborn bastard."

We sit like that for a few minutes until my breathing steadies. "I have to look out the window." He nods resignedly, and stands. Reaching down, he helps me up. I walk slowly, reluctantly, to the window.

Staring down, I can feel the terror I felt as I fell, the wind rushing past me, the sudden jarring impact…

Sirius stands in front of me, blocking my view. He grasps my shoulders. "Rem, look at me, it's ok, I'm here…"

I don't even realise I'm crying until I speak. "I remember falling, Siri, and I'm afraid."

"Shh." He pulls me into an embrace, wrapping his arms around my body. I put mine around his waist and bury my face in his neck. He speaks soothing words into my hair, rubbing my back in an attempt to calm me. "It's ok, Rem. I won't let you fall."

"But you might not always be there to catch me." My words are muffled by his skin.

"I will." Using his shoulder he pushes my head up and stares into my eyes. "Whenever you need me. Even if we're not talking, or you hate me, I promise I'll be there. I'll do everything I can to help."

"Promise?"

He leans in and kisses me gently. "Promise. Forever. I love you, and I'm never going to let you fall. My angel."

"Most people would say that I resemble a fallen angel more. A devil."

"Nah." He smiles dazzlingly. "You're my own perfect angel, and I'm going to keep you that innocent."

"Not planning on corrupting me, then?"

"No. I'll wait until you're ready."

I rest my head on his shoulder again, feeling safe in his arms. I sing a few words. "It started off so well, they said we made a perfect pair…"

He laughs. "Do they? I didn't think anyone knew about us, so how they could say that…"

"I think James knows."

"Well, he does spend nearly every waking moment with us. So does Wormtail, but he's a dense prat."

I hit him half-heartedly. "Don't be so mean. Peter just isn't as smart as us three."

Sirius sneers. The expression mars his face, turns him into what his heritage suggests he should be. "Not as smart? Wormtail barely knows how to spell his own name. He's only got through these years by cheating at tests and copying your homework."

I hate this, his habit of belittling others. The next few words come out of my mouth without thinking. "You're acting like Snape."

His face shuts down and he tenses. His eyes are flinty, and his voice cold when he speaks. "Snape? I thought you were calling him 'Severus' these days?" I hear the inverted commas drop into place.

I sigh, knowing something has to happen now to bring Sirius out of this bad mood. It seems as good a time as any to get to the bottom of this problem. "Why do you hate him so much?"

He steps away from me, releasing my body. I feel lost for a moment. "He's a bastard. He always hexes us in the corridor. He's a greasy long nosed prick. He's into the Dark Arts. He's also a complete and utter bastard." He looks down for a moment. "He still fancies you."

I laugh. "Siri! We went through this before. I wouldn't go out with Snape." I bring my hand up to cup his cheek. "If I wanted to, I'd be with him. But I don't, and I'm not. I'm with you."

We kiss again. This time is deeper, more passionate. I have my arms around his neck, and his hands are wandering. He pulls my shirt up and runs his long fingered hands along my bare skin. For a moment I enjoy the feeling, but then he touches a bruise. I can't help wincing, and a hiss of pain escapes me.

He steps away, smiling nervously. "Better stop there. You've got to stay well."

I nod, and readjust my clothing. "In that case, you'd better carry me down the stairs."

**Lady of Faerie****- Nah, sorry, it was Stromboli. Is your crystal ball acting up? Last time you managed to predict me. ****girl-in-the-moon****- Mwhahahaha, you've gotta wait. Stromboli won't reappear for ages, but he shall return! ****carpe-nox-sulum-nox****- Little and often. That's good for diets, and good for my fics. ****IssaLee****- No more writers block? Do what I do, listen to depressing songs and eat chocolate biscuits, then sit in front of the TV and write. ****Versipellis****- I like your random little reviews. ****Robyn1212****- No more reaction is needed- you reviewed. ****freakanature****- Ah, but creepy is good, neh? ****checkmarks****- Short and sweet again. ;) ****Silverwitch07****- I will do any POV. Ask for one, and I will probably do it. ****EsScaper****- If I lost him, I'd go made with my inflatable silver hammer. ****Jessica Goldberg****- This is just to make your day better. ****SlashyKitty****- I would never throw you out, especially as you reviewed the other fic too. ****KawaiiMegami86****- My fans can read the other fics as well- I do give you lots, just short lots. :huggles: ****Icy Sapphire15****- Damn, Sisi is better than Sis, but I couldn't think of that. Lykaios Nyx- You'll have to wait… butterflywings32- Bit of fluff for you. I couldn't reply to the email address, so I sent it to the one on your profile… I think.  
Thanks to ****Tanya J Potter**** and Toshide.  
Next chapter will be long(er). Promise!**


	12. Loving

**This chapter is dedicated to all the people who threatened, pleaded, bribed and nagged for longer chapters. Part of this was written over a month ago, so slightly cheating, but hey. Lykaios, you've already read part of this- but you said you liked it, so here!**

**Could you guys help me? First- what colour eyeshadow would go best with amber eyes and blonde hair? Second- what kind of age do you think they are in this? I always lose track of things like that.**

**Oh, and just to clarify- it's morning, and Remus and Sirius slept in the same bed, where they are now waking up.**

"Morning." I push myself up on one elbow and smile down at Sirius. He rubs his eyes sleepily.

"What time is it?"

"Six."

"God," he moans. He places his hand across his eyes.

I lean over and kiss him lightly. "I should get back to my own bed," I breathe into his hair.

"Stay a bit longer." He stares at me. "I've been meaning to ask you."

"Meaning to ask me what?"

"About the coma. You were dreaming."

His grey eyes are intense. I gaze at him. "I know. I can remember bits, nothing definite." I lie down, so that I don't have to look into his eyes any more. The stare is unnerving me. "At one point I was with you. We were screaming at each other and I was crying."

He strokes my hair. "Dreams obviously don't come true. I won't ever make you cry."

I smile, even though he won't see it. "Another time, I was pleading with someone, asking them to get someone go. There was a lot of stuff with a boy."

"Good looking?"

His voice is over casual. He's jealous. "A bit. Nothing on you though. Then I was stood over someone who looked like Peter, my wand pointed at him. I got older, my hair nearly completely grey, and I was holding this boy. Someone died, someone I loved." I stop, feeling the heartache inside. Stupid, to feel so upset over a dream.

He laughs softly, the sound reverberating through his chest. "Let's just hope it wasn't me." He turns to face me, his face filled with a mischievous grin. "We'll have to make the most of the time we have left." He kisses me slowly, seductively, his tongue moving in my mouth. I moan his name, the sound muffled by his lips. He tastes different, harsher.

"Well, this certainly is interesting." I freeze at the voice. Sirius pulls away laughing. James climbs onto the bed, pulling the curtains shut behind him and sitting at the end of the bed.

Sirius sticks his tongue out. "Bugger off, Prongs. Things were just getting interesting."

"I don't think I'll be doing the buggering."

I sigh and renew the silencing charm on the bed. I only want one friend to find out about us this morning. I look at James awkwardly, gesturing at myself and Sirius. "James… do you mind, about this?"

"Do I mind what? That my two best friends are shagging?"

I cry "we are not!" at the same time that Sirius smirks "yes". I hit him softly.

James smiles at us indulgently. "I think it's sweet. How long have you been… together?"

"Since Rem woke up from the coma."

"About bloody time. You two were crazy about each other for ages. I was about to start betting on how long it would take you to get it on."

I try to stretch out, but find my feet blocked by James' body. "It's too crowded in here. Why did you come in here, James?"

Sirius smiles. "Did you want to join in?"

James' eyes widen and he leans back, shaking his hands. "No, I wouldn't want to intrude."

"Really?" Sirius runs his tongue up my cheek, making me shiver. "Rem tastes delicious." I try to push him off, but my heart isn't in it. His tongue is doing obscene things to my ear, and James is still watching us.

"I think I'd better take a shower." James runs from the bed.

"Make it cold," Sirius calls after him, lying back on the bed.

I laugh shakily. "I think I need a cold shower as well, after that."

"Go in there now and Prongs is liable to jump you." He strokes my cheek. "Kiss me." I oblige, turning onto my side to meld my lips to his. He leans over, pushing me onto my back, to straddle me, without breaking the kiss. He caresses my body, his expert hands wandering. I push my hands through his hair. He starts to undo my top.

I stop him there, pushing him away slightly and smiling apologetically. "Not yet, ok?"

He sits up, nodding his head, his eyes closed off. "Sure."

I sit up, swinging my legs over the side of the bed and hitting them on something. Reaching down, I pull out a case of Firewhiskey bottles, twelve in all. "Sirius, why is there alcohol under your bed?"

He shrugs carelessly. "Spare from the last party. I'm keeping it for the next one."

"There's never any spare."

"There was at the last party."

"Come here, Padders." I lean over and smell him. "That's what I could taste on you this morning."

"So what are you saying, Remus? That at some point during the night I got up to drink and then came back to bed? That I keep a crate of Firewhiskey under my bed for that purpose?" He folds his arms. "Thanks."

"No, I didn't mean it like that." I reach out and touch his arm. "I'm sorry, it's just I don't want you drinking. Not after what happened last time. I don't want you to try jumping off any towers."

He takes my hand. "Rem, I promise. Since we've been together I haven't drunk, and I won't get drunk." I smile at him and stand. I stagger slightly, pain in my ribs. "Are you ok?"

"Yeah. I'll just lie down for a bit."

"If you need me I'll be in the shower."

Somehow I get to my bed and collapse onto it, breathing heavily. I can't do that with Sirius every morning, no matter how good it feels. I raise my head to look at the base of the bed. There's a loose board there, and behind it I can see a piece of paper sticking out. I swivel so that I can pull it out. It's an envelope, the letter R written upon it in Sirius' flowing script. I open it curiously to see a letter addressed to me.

_Dear Remus, aka Re, aka Remmie, aka Rem, aka Moony,_

_I don't really know why I'm writing this letter to you, since I see you every single day, but I can't sleep. So I thought I'd write this._

_You're asleep, next to me. We're in my bed. We always end up sleeping with each other. You look really peaceful now, contented in your sleep. Every so often you murmur something softly. Something I can't hear. I try to, but I really can't._

_You're dreaming. Evans told me that when eyes move behind the eyelids it means that the person is dreaming. I wonder if you're dreaming of me. I hope so. You're probably reading this and thinking 'what an egotistical prat'. And I suppose I am. But it isn't just that._

_I dream of you, when I sleep. Because I love you. So much. I don't think you believe me when I tell you, but it's true. You don't think I really love, do you? With you, being near you sends my insides into cartwheels and fireworks. I can't really remember when I started to feel like this towards you. Once, before we got together, we had a party, and you got slightly 'tipsy'. You were falling over everything, and you ended up in my lap. You patted my cheek, and told me I was the 'studmuffin of Hogwarts'. I think that was when I realised how I felt. The feelings were there before, but I didn't know what they were._

_Merlin, Rem, you're so strong. So strong that it scares me. You don't see it though, and when I tell you you say I'm flirting. I am, a little. But I really don't know how you do it. Every month you go through so much unbelievable pain. I heard you before we became Animagi, and could go in and comfort you. The howling and the screaming… and you had so many scratches on your torso. We didn't see them until second year. It was the summer, about one week after full moon. We didn't know about you then. We were all getting in the lake, coz it was boiling hot, but you were just sat there, fully dressed, with longing in your eyes. So I obliged by making your shirt disappear. For a second we all stopped, staring at your chest. You looked so scared. I just reached for you, pulled you in, and we didn't say anything about it._

_Anyway, I got distracted. I've seen the pain you go through. You always told us not to watch you transform, but one day I had to. Your face twisted in agony, and I would have done anything to take that pain away. _

_But you never complain. And I think that impresses me the most. You know what I'm like- a hangnail and I'm screeching in pain. You have this amazing inner strength, and it reaches out to include me._

_Yeah, I draw strength from you. You're probably blushing now. I also get calmness from you. With you I'm not so reckless, and I actually stop fidgeting if I'm sat with you. Mostly because you yell at me to stop. I haven't been in as many fights either since we've been together. Snivellus (sorry, Snape) and Regulus, sometimes that ultimate slime Malfoy, always try to get a rise out of me. Normally I'd oblige, and either hex them into the infirmary or beat them up, but if you're with me you put a hand on my arm and that pulls me up somewhere. I don't have to fight them, coz I have something far better. I have you. And you're so good and pure, some of it's even rubbed off on my 'Siriusly Black' soul. Sorry, couldn't resist. I clothed myself in your glory and your love… a line from your current favourite song. Aren't you proud of me for remembering it? _

_This is a really weird letter, huh? Ah well. It'll remind you of me when I'm not with you. Like when you're in bed, and I'm in the bathroom. That's as far as I'll ever get from you, I promise. _

_Slight diversion here. I'm gonna describe everything to you. You're lying next to me, your hair all mucked up and your lips slightly parted. Sorry, got slightly distracted there. No, I wasn't imagining doing something with your lips. Honestly, Re, you have such a dirty mind. I was watching you breathe, if you must know. You're wearing an old shirt- one of mine, by the way- and boxers. I'm just in boxers. I like my physique. I can hear Wormtail and Prongs. They're both snoring. When I open the curtains I can see their beds, and yours. I can also see the Quidditch poster of the Caerphilly Catapults that James has above his bed. He really should support a better team. Like the Falmouth Falcons. Now they're good. But you'd say that's just coz they beat up the opposing team, and as a Beater I'm naturally disposed to more violence. Meanie._

_I can see out of the window here. I have the best view. I think that's the real reason you come into my bed. The stars are shining, but I have no idea which ones they are. Astronomy is the one subject I came close to failing at OWL. You wouldn't expect it really, with me being named after a star. You spent ages tutoring me. I could never concentrate though (I know, when did I ever?). I would just watch you. The way your face lit up when you were talking, how you moved, the way you pushed one hand through your hair when you were stressed (not an annoying arrogant motion like James, but unconscious and adorable. I think so anyway). _

_Once, after you'd had a really bad moon, you hadn't eaten when you came back to the dorm. Wormtail had detention, and Prongs was on a date. So I ran down to the kitchen and got you some food. Your favourite. Chocolate cheesecake. You sat up in bed to eat it, and the expression you had on your face made me grin like a complete idiot. Almost like Prongs when Evans walks by. _

_Right, I have no idea what else to write, but I'm still not tired. So. Here are my top ten reasons for loving you:_

_10. How crazily intelligent you are. I know I'm clever, but I'm also stupid in some ways. You're not. You understand everything, including people._

_9. Your strength. I've already told you about that, so I won't bore you again._

_8. The way you smile when I do something. You look into my eyes and it's like I'm the only one your smile is ever meant for. It's not a big grin, just a small turning of he lips, but it's beautiful. You should smile more often. _

_7. Your vulnerability. That's stupid, isn't it? I love both your strength and your vulnerability (not weakness. You're not weak). It's true, though. I want to be your knight in shining armour, and defend you against the world. _

_6. Your sense of humour. Usually directed at me. Mostly sarcasm, which is of course the lowest form of wit. But from you, well, maybe you could be as funny as James and I. _

_5. Your hair. And the way you push it back. It's such a nice colour- sometimes brown, sometimes blonde, depending on the season. _

_4. Your shyness. When we first met you, you were so timid it was like you were a shadow of me and Prongs. Some people still think you are. But you're not, you are your own person, it's just that most people don't get to see you like that. You don't let them in. You're afraid they'll hurt you._

_3. Your eyes. They're a wonderful amber colour, and it's really strange. I don't know if it's a thing from the wolf, but I love your eyes. They're just beautiful._

_2. Your voice. You are the most wonderful singer I know. It's amazing how good you are, and I love it when you sing for me and let me dance. Usually it's Queen you sing, but I suppose everyone has their bad points. I bet you're cursing me now, and screaming out all of Queen's good points. Hmm, I like it when you're mad._

_1. You love me. Just that. Nothing more, nothing less. If you love me, then there's got to be something good in me, right?_

_Oh Merlin, you just woke up. You probably won't remember this, so here is what happened._

"_Hmm, Siri?" you mumbled, stirring slightly._

"_Yup, Rem?" the dashing hero answered._

"_What're you doing?"_

"_Writing a letter to the man in the moon."_

"_That's nice." And with that you went back to sleep. I kissed you on the forehead, and went back to writing this. _

_Well, I should probably follow your lead and sleep. But I don't really want to. We have got Transfiguration in the morning, and I haven't done my homework yet. I always do it in the morning. I'm going to finish this letter first. I won't give this letter to you. It'd probably scare you. I haven't told you yet just how much I love you, and this would probably send you running to the hills. No, I'll stuff this letter behind the panel at the bottom of your bed. Then, if you ever find it, you'll know how I feel. But if you don't, then I won't have to get all embarrassed._

_With all the love in his little innocent (yeah, right) heart,_

_Your unworthy suitor,_

_The one lying next to you in bed,_

_Sirius Black, aka Padfoot, aka Siri, aka Studmuffin._

_xxx_

I smile slightly, slipping the letter back into its hiding place. That letter was out of character for Sirius. Normally he doesn't show his feelings. It was as though he'd been… I shake my head to get rid of the thoughts. He wrote the letter because he couldn't sleep. No other reason.

I pick up my towels and go to the showers.

**The James joining in thing- a friend of mine was offering to join in with another two of my friends who are together, and the incident stuck in my mind. Nicky, Kit and Toby- this is for you, my darlings. **

**IssaLee- There are very few problems it can't solve. Tell your friend to hurry up! Versipellis- Sirius is strong enough. Lady of Faerie- Do I really know what I'm doing? Oh. Stromboli was Sirius' boyfriend who Remus hated. Silverwitch07- Ireland is obviously good for my writing! Lykaios Nyx- Emphasis on little? checkmarks- More than two words? I'm honoured ;) SlashyKitty- My singing is also bad, so that's ok. Icy Sapphire15- Sis kinda sounds like he's talking about his sister… which would be wrong… EsScaper- The angst begins next chapter. Hee hee hee… deathfire1334- JKR may think she knows all the answers, but I know the real reasons :gets gently strapped into her straitjacket: siriusly delusional- Plot shall appear, but not for a while. Robyn1212- Aren't we all? butterflywings32- Not much else to say, is there? Lauren- I know, Irish is soooo hot. I LOVE U 2!** **KawaiiMegami86- Just imagine Siri is saying it to you! Sunshine Pie- You don't have to wait! Quite obviously, because here it is! girl-in-the-moon- An advert for what?**


	13. Worrying

**Hiya! Firstly- what the hell do you do with a LiveJournal? Someone please tell me, or go and post a message on mine (go on, you know you want to). The link's in my profile under webpage. **

**They are in sixth year apparently- most people think they're 16-17, which puts them in sixth year. Crap, that's me in a month…**

**Ok, firstly to set the scene- Remus has gone to St Mungo's in order to be treated. Because he's obviously not a well chicken. And the actual story bit- Remus POV.**

Dear Sirius,

How formal does that sound? I expect you're laughing at me, calling me a stuck up idiot. But how else could I start the letter? 'Hey lover' really isn't me, and 'Dear Padfoot' makes it seem as though we're just friends. But you mean more than that to me.

I miss you. I know it's only been two days, but I miss sleeping in your arms. I miss waking up next to you. I miss those stolen kisses we have to hide from nearly everyone. In fact, I miss everything about you. Including that stupid laugh.

I have to tell you something, something I haven't told you since that night on the tower. This is hard for me, because as you're so fond of reminding me I don't like letting people in. But I have to tell you this, because you're important to me.

I love you. And I think I could see myself spending the rest of my life with you. You're a wonderful person, my Siri. You don't care about my lycanthropy. Sometimes, in History of Magic, I sit there and daydream about our future. I can see us getting married, and adopting children. I don't need anyone else.

Anyway, this treatment. You made me promise to tell you about it. They removed my bones to regrow them better (very bad grammar there- sorry Sirius). The Skele-Gro- try never to get your bones removed. It tastes horrible, and the pain of regrowing the bones almost made me think that the pain before was better. My arms and torso have finished (obviously, or I wouldn't be writing this), but my legs are still going. After this they'll give me a day's rest, and then start me on a potion. I'll have to exercise too.

I'll be back with you soon. But I can't wait. Write back soon. I need something of you, to remind me.

All my love,

Remus.

---

Rem,

Yes, that did sound stuck up. Why not call me Siri? That's what you normally do. Sometimes it's Padders, or stupid dog. Once you called me mangy cur. Too many old books in your head, Rem.

I bet you're wasting away, pining for me. Seeing my face in your dreams. Hearing my voice in your head. Calling out my name in the shower… try to control yourself, please. I know I am totally irresistible, but still.

Prongs says hi. Wormtail also said something, but I wasn't paying attention. Evans says she's buying the new Queen record, so you listen to it when you get back.

See you,

S.

---

Dear James,

Don't show this letter to Sirius, whatever you do.

Is he ok? I sent him a letter a few days ago, and he responded quite quickly, but with something only a few lines long. He seemed strange, like he was avoiding me. He didn't mention half of what I'd said. I don't know, he just seemed… distant. I'm probably worrying over nothing, but please write back to put my mind at rest.

Hope everything's ok there.

Remus.

---

Dear Moony,

Hey. I'm writing this squashed in the Quidditch cupboard, so I hope you damn well appreciate me.

Firstly, I miss you. Sniff. It's not right without you. No one's there to nag me and Padders when we do idiotic stunts, or say stupid things. Ach! Moony! Remus! Return to us soon! We need your calming influence! Also, with you gone, Lily's decided to sing- not a pretty sound. As much as I worship the ground she walks on, I have to admit that when she sings she sounds like a cat being strangled.

Don't worry about Padders. He probably didn't want you to get distracted from your treatment. You just need to get well, ok? Then you'll have plenty of time to think about Sirius being distant. He was probably just thinking about something else, and meant to put more, but got distracted. He misses you, I think. He seems morose. That's a big word for me, huh? Well, not big, but posh.

When you get home we're gonna have a party. I know you won't drink, but everyone else will, and it'll be a right little rave. I'll get Lily to bring her thingybox- you know, the thing you put discs in and it makes music.

Relax. I'll take care of Padders.

James.

---

I button up my shirt and look into the mirror. I'm wearing makeup, to surprise Sirius. I haven't seen him in so long. James' party is tonight. I would rather have spent tonight catching up with Sirius, and then having a party tomorrow, but I didn't want to disappoint James.

I have black eyeliner around my eyes, and Lily used mascara to separate and 'accentuate' my eyelashes. There's just a hint of blusher on my cheekbones, and light brown eyeshadow looks good with both my eyes and my ash blonde hair.

I laugh nervously at my own reflection. Tonight Sirius and I will go public. No turning back. This will change everything. I take a deep breath to still the butterflies in my stomach, and step out of the door.

Lily's already got her record player on. I can feel the heavy drumbeat pounding on the staircase. As I get to the bottom I see James pounding his head on the wall.

"Do that any more and you'll end up with permanent damage."

He looks up and smiles distractedly at me. "Hey Moony."

I smooth my clothes down anxiously. "How do I look?"

He gives me more attention, turning towards me. "Gorgeous. If I wasn't straight I'd go for you."

"Thanks. Where's Sirius?"

His eyes widen. "Ah-"

But then I hear the voice, loud even through the door. "Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. A peck of bloody pickled peppers Peter Piper damn well picked. You owe me, Edgbaston! Takes more than a bottle of Firewhiskey to slow me down!"

I growl. "I'll kill him. He promised me he wouldn't drink." I start off down the few remaining steps, but James grabs my arm.

"Remus, stay here. Let me…"

I shake him off, and walk into the Common Room. And stop dead.

My heart breaks.

Sirius is sat in a chair, a bottle in one hand and a girl on his lap. As I watch, he pulls her down into a lingering kiss.

I was right. This has changed everything.

_How I loved you- how I cried…_

**Mwhahahaha! Right, now I won't update unless everyone reviews. Tee hee! Ain't I a bitch? Oh, and who knows what Edgbaston is? Lauren at least should know. And the Peter Piper thing is from a book- took me ages to remember which one. And it's one of my favourites…**

**sesshomaruhasafluffytail- Of course I can update soon- I am the great and powerful, you know. And I have no modesty issues… girl-in-the-moon- Well, dunno how I could make the next bit fluffy- I love fluff, but can't write it continuously. IssaLee- You imagine weird things! checkmarks- At least you take the time to review. Ta! butterflywings32- Someone's made at Sirius… please don't kill him after this chapter? EsScaper- Rem is adorable anyway, n'est pas? Crap, is my French right? Dunno, I did German. The Notorious Black dog and the Man in the Moon- :sends love right on back: YumiFukushima- In some fics werewolves can see into the future. I'm saying that the stress unfocused his mind from the present. Aussie Munchkin- I know- I want a Studmuffin! Lykaios Nyx- Was gonna write a sequel, starting from about this chapter, but then I put it all in together. Because lots of people are reading this! And the letter was gonna be in the last chapter, but I changed my mind! Silverwitch07- You flatter me terribly. Icy Sapphire15- Freaks rule! And you're not the only one to like the letter. KawaiiMegami86- No, I haven't seen it. I'm not watching films for a while- I watched Alien a few days ago, and Charlie and The Chocolate Factory. Mm, Johnny Depp… Shamandalie- I'm always writing, dahling. Lady of Faerie- Sarcasm rules. Please don't kill me? dempi- Yo! Any review is good. And you've already been on my livejournal… only person so far… ta…. SlashyKitty- Nah! Kenmare Kestrels all the way!  
Thanks to Sunshine Pie and phinixofthezodiac.**


	14. Arguing

**Please, please don't kill me. Lykaios at least knows kinda where I'm going- I promise Rem will be ok eventually! Bear with me, Sirius' behaviour will be properly explained in time. And he is a bastard in this chapter as well, so sorry! Please keep reading. There will be about seven more chapters of this story. And to think it was only going to be seven chapters long…**

**I have been called evil! Four times!**

_The years of care and loyalty  
Were nothing but a sham it seems  
The years belie we lived a lie_

I turn away, tears of rage in my eyes. I control myself and walk up the stairs, my shaking a combination of the anger inside and the effort it takes not to run away or hit him. James places a hand on my arm as I walk past him. "Rem…"

"Don't call me that," I murmur. "He calls me that."

He releases me, his eyes wide with worry. I carry on up the stairs, hearing him yell behind me. "Black!"

I slam the dorm door open against the wall when I reach it. With that one simple act all my controls break. I howl as I rush across the room to his bed. Reaching up, I wrench down the hangings around his bed, the ripping sound acting as an incentive to my destruction. I can't think coherently. My anger is drowning out every sane thought, consuming my mind. I want to destroy everything that is his, just as he has destroyed everything that is me.

I throw his bedclothes onto the floor- a useless gesture, but one that helps me. I pull his drawer from the cabinet and tip it up, allowing the items to scatter onto the floor, some rolling beneath our beds. I take each article from the top of the cabinet and throw it individually onto the floor.

His voice stops me. "Re. You're back." I whirl around to see him. He's standing in the doorway, looking at me with no discernible expression in his eyes. He steps into the room.

"Don't you dare come near me," I hiss, holding his hairbrush in front of me as though it were a shield.

He stops, and his stance changes. He folds his arms and places all of his weight on one hip. His eyes narrow, and he raises one eyebrow. Looking around, he smirks slightly. "Taking part in a little wanton destruction of my things?"

"It's making me feel better," I snarl.

He sighs condescendingly. "Ah well. Whatever turns you on." He sits on the chair next to the door, his legs stretched out in front of him and his arms still folded.

I stare at him. "How can you just sit there?"

"Quite easily."

"You bastard! You fucking, fucking bastard!" My voice rises. I snatch up the photo he keeps of us in his bed and throw it at him. He gestures with his wand so that the frame smashes on the wall next to him. "Do you realise what you've done to me?"

"Turned you into a raving lunatic? No, sorry, that had already started."

I hit the bedpost in exasperation. "I hate you, and I hate this goddamn room, and I hate this stupid makeup!" I scrub my hand across my eyes, blurring the eyeshadow and eyeliner into one another.

He stays seated, merely blinking in minor irritation. "Stop being so melodramatic and tell me what's up, or I'll just leave until you're ready."

"What? You git! You just had your tongue stuck down some girl's throat!"

He cocks his head. "Oh, that's what's up. What's your problem with it?"

I laugh in disbelief. "My problem? We were going to go public tonight!"

"And? I wanted something. She was available and up for it."

"Fancied having a slapper?"

"Better than a frigid guy."

I freeze. "What?"

"You heard me."

"You said that didn't matter, that you loved me anyway." I'm shaking again, this time with compressed tears.

"I lied." He stands and comes towards me.

I try to change the subject. "Why did it have to be a girl? Did I disgust you so much that you turned straight?"

"Oh, no. I'll still do anyone. Just not you."

I cry out, more with desperation than anything else, and run at him. I lift my fists to strike him, but he captures my wrists with his hands and looks down at me dispassionately. I struggle ineffectively in his grasp. "You're such a whore," I spit. "I don't know what I ever saw in you."

"I think the more puzzling question is what did I ever see in you." He stares into my eyes. "A snivelling goody two shoes who wouldn't let me put a toe out of line. Putting all the blame for your problems on me. You think you have no other friends because I won't let anyone near? No, Rem. It's because no one likes you."

I shake my head; unable to believe his words, yet compelled to listen. "No, you're just drunk, you shouldn't have been drinking, you don't mean this-"

"Oh, but I do." His voice is vicious, and I flinch away, but he still holds my wrists. "Think drink plays a part against you, Remmie? Think again. Your dad looks at you and sees the monster inside of you, your true form. He drinks to get away from it. Same here. I drink so that I can get away from you."

"Why?" I must really be masochistic, wanting to hear these words out loud. "What do you hate about me?"

"Everything." He releases my hands, but we stay close together. Even from here, I can smell the alcohol on his breath. "The way you control everything I do. Telling me what I can and can't do to you, when I can do pranks, if I'm allowed to talk to my own friends. I'm not your puppet, Remmie!" His voice rises. "And the way you've been acting as though every action is too difficult, and causes you pain. Yes, Rem, I'm sorry for what happened on the tower. Now would you mind not reminding me every two minutes?"

"If it weren't for you I wouldn't have fallen!" I gasp as I finish speaking. Those word should never have been spoken, and I don't mean them.

He smiles bitterly. "Knew it was in there. It was in the way you looked at me."

"No, Siri, I don't mean that-"

He shakes his head. "I don't care any more. I really don't care about you."

Tears are falling silently down my cheeks. "You said you loved me," I breath.

"Nice lie, wasn't it? You were about to chuck yourself off a tower. I would have said anything to stop you. And why have I told you since then? Guilt. Do you like that, Rem? I was only staying with you out of guilt."

I fall to my knees, drained of everything. I look up at him. From his words I'd expect his eyes to be stormy, but instead they're clearer, almost blue in colour. "Did it mean nothing to you?" I plead for an answer.

"Nothing." He turns away and leaves the room.

I break down, surrounded by the remains of both his belongings, and my life.

**This took me quite a while to write- it's been through about seven rewrites. Y/N? **

**elsie777**- I'm sorry! Blame the songs I'm listening to! **SlashyKitty**- Wigtown Wanderers. All will be explained, in time ;) **Scarlet Snow**- I'm afraid someone's already married my fic (Nox, you know you're there). **checkmarks**- The good looking ones are normally bastards. **girl-in-the-moon**- You want to marry him? After what he's done? **carpe-nox-sulum-nox**- Without the letters it would have been a drabble, not a chapter. My computer is also stupid. If I told you what was up with Sirius I'd spoil the story… but please keep on reading. **IssaLee**- I am honoured! Hope you're having a good time! **Raichuu**- Of course I update, I just say that to get more reviews… doesn't it hurt, not blinking? **Silverwitch07**- I have continued. More sniffles on the way? **Lady of Faerie**- I think the getting down on his knees will have to wait. Dirty mind! **butterflywings32**- I'm sorry :hides head in shame: Well done, Edgbaston is a cricket ground- and England won by two runs! Glad I made your day. It's strange- I'm at home doing nowt and you're at school. I've got till September to write all day! Hurry up with your next chapter, or I'll start emailing you threats! **EsScaper**- Does that explain about the sexuality? The next update shall be around shortly, if I remember to write the thing. **Lykaios Nyx**- Yeah, James knew. He is kinda like 'Lily'. We're having about twenty conversations here… **Icy Sapphire15**- Giggle? I'm worried. **QFan**- Only person to get Carter- congrats. I'm sorry! And ta for all the reviews. **BenevolenceinViolet**- I cried writing it. **dempi**- I have no idea about html. Wow. I think I am psychic. **Seducer of the Night**- Step away from the plushie, and put the matches down. **sesshomaruhasafluffytail**- All will be revealed. Not even flattery will move my lips. **dancing in daydreams**- I do update rather a lot. You have to pay attention, or I'll finish the story while you're not looking!  
With muchos thanks to **Sunshine Pie**, **Aussie Munchkin**, **KawaiiMegami86**, **Aimee **and **jessicagreen**


	15. Tormenting

**I must say you lot are rather violent. Most of the suggestions seemed to involve neutering Sirius and chopping him into little pieces. Swearing again in this chapter. Those of a nervous disposition, look away now. In fact, I'm wondering about upping the rating because of a future chapter. Dunno. Muchos thanks to Lykaios for ideas as always, and to ****KawaiiMegami86**** for the Latin. Kudos dudes! The cuddly dog also belongs to Lykaios completely. It is hers. So go and read her fic with it in! Omniscient? Is that how you spell it?**

**James POV**

_I love you till I die_

"Moony? Are you in there?"

"Go away." His voice is muffled by the bathroom door. He's barricaded himself in there, but at least his response lets me know he's still alive. I'm worried about him. He might do something stupid, like killing himself. Last time he attempted suicide because they kissed and Sirius had betrayed him. Another kiss, another betrayal.

"Please, let me in. It's James."

"I want to be alone."

"I'm worried about you." I sit and lean against the door. "What did he say to you?"

I hear him move so that he's leaning on the other side of the door. "Didn't he tell you?" His tone is bitter.

"No. He came down and left the tower without saying anything."

"He told me that he never felt anything for me. That he only told me he loved me to stop me from jumping."

"Did he say anything about the girl?"

"She was 'available and up for it'. He said he wanted someone who'd actually sleep with him." His voice gets quieter, and he whispers the next words as though they're physically painful. "How long has he been… with someone else?"

I shut my eyes, and decide honesty will be better in the long run. "I'm not sure. Not openly at least, but he's been disappearing at nights and not coming back until the next morning."

He's silent for a few moments. "Bastard. How the hell…"

"He's a git. He didn't deserve you."

"Why not? I'm a monster, so shouldn't I be with someone like him?"

"You're not a monster. Remus, you're good, kind, clever, compassionate, considerate, a much better person than any of us…"

"Except I'm not." He starts to cry again, huge chesty sobs. "I've lost the one thing in my life that made me better."

It's breaking my heart to hear this. He's my best friend. "Let me in."

I hear him stand up and deal with the locks. The door swings open to reveal him. He looks so vulnerable. His hair has been mucked up, as though he's been running his hands through it. The make up he took so much time over has run, creating a mess over his face which seems to add to his childlike air. His sorrow gives him an air of tragic beauty. All his guards are down, and the aching loneliness that radiates from him makes me feel… like everything has been destroyed, and nothing will ever be the same. I gather him in my arms and hold him as he shakes with body wracking sobs.

"Why? James, I love him so much."

"I know." I place my cheek on the top of his head.

"And I hate him." His voice suddenly becomes vicious. "Everything he's done to me."

I lift my head to look into his eyes. "Don't do anything stupid to him," I warn.

"I won't. But I never want to talk to him again." He leans his head on my shoulder. "It's been killing me, all this stuff with him. I can't deal with it." He whispers the last sentence. He pulls away, wiping his hand across his eyes. "I'm going to have a shower."

"Remus- don't, you know, do anything stupid in there." He looks at me quizzically, and I shift uncomfortably under his gaze. "Like hurting yourself."

"I won't. I won't give him the satisfaction of seeing how he's affected me." He shuts the door in my face, and I start to bang my head on the wall.

"P-Prongs?" I turn slowly. Sirius is stood in the doorway, one hand pressed to his head. "Where's Rem?"

I snarl and run across the room, leaping on him at the last moment. As we land on the floor I draw back my fist and punch him, his flesh giving a satisfying thump beneath my hand. "How dare you," I hiss. "You're not getting anywhere near Remus, not after what you've done."

"What?" He brings one hand up to his face distractedly. "I didn't do anything…"

"Didn't do anything?" I grab his shoulders and shake him. "You've broken his heart!"

"What?" His eyes widen, and he struggles upwards, pushing me off easily. "I have to speak to him."

"No! You prat, he'd probably kill you!"

"Why? What happened?"

I stare at him. "You damn well know what happened! What you said to him nearly killed him!" I stand in the doorway, blocking his entrance. "You're not getting near him."

"You're talking shit! Rem would want me to see him."

I clench my fists again. "I'm choosing to believe you were such an unbelievable prick because you were drunk out of your head. Just like you have been every single night since Remus fell."

His face changes, and anger pours out of every line. "That is none of your business. I'll go to hell in my own way, on my own terms."

"Do those terms include taking Remus with you? Coz that seems like what you're doing! Leave him alone, Black! You're destroying him!"

He shakes his head. "I have to talk to him. Get out of my way."

"No." I fold my arms, totally unprepared for what happens next.

"Petrificus Totalus!" I stiffen, and fall onto the floor. He steps over my prone body and across to the bathroom door. He rattles the handle, and finds it locked. "Rem, it's me. Open up, I want to talk to you." There's no response. "Come on, Remmie! Prongs punched me, I need to see you." There's still no reply, but the shower has been switched off. "Rem, what the hell is up? Come on, it's not that bad. I'm sorry, ok? Open the door. Wolfie… babes… let me in…" When the door doesn't open, he sighs in exasperation and slouches against the wall. "What the… Rem, why did you do that to my stuff? I haven't done anything to deserve that." He shuts his eyes, a clear sign that his mind is wandering. "We're both pissed, Rem. Hmm. But in different ways. I'm drunk, and you're mad, and I really don't know why you're so angry. I'm sorry for being drunk, and everything else, but come on, Re! Open the goddamn door!" Sirius turns to hit the door only to find it open. Remus ghosts through, looking almost ghostly in his oversized dressing gown. He totally ignores Sirius, instead going to his bed and pulling out his pyjamas. "Rem, look at me." Remus stands with his back to Sirius, who exhales in irritation. "For God's sake, Re, don't ignore me!" He walks across the floor, putting his hand on Remus' shoulder.

Remus flinches away, and from my position on the floor I can see the pain in his eyes. He can't even stand to be touched by Sirius, but then again I suppose he's imagining those hands on the girl.

Sirius becomes angry. He steps away from Remus, bringing his hand round to hit the bedpost. "Bloody hell! You're impossible!"

"I'm impossible?" Remus says quietly. "Unus frater verus, Sirius. The ultimate joke." He walks back into the bathroom, locking the doors behind him.

Sirius' face has shut down, giving him the appearance of a mask. Then it cracks, and he throws Remus' toy dog at the bathroom door. "Bugger you!" he yells, and then leaves, abandoning me on the floor.

**unus frater verus one true lover **

**Lady of Faerie**- You wouldn't want me to spoil the suspense, would you? **dempi**- Silver is a cool name. Sorry, but bastard Sirius is MINE (no matter what the shrinks say) **BenevolenceinViolet**- :runs away: **girl-in-the-moon**- If he kills you, I'll kill him. Deal? **Jessica Goldberg**- I was crying. I haven't really got a life, going into town every so often to watch people in coffee shops and teaching my cousin to play the cornet! **SlashyKitty**- I'm curious. How many males have you mutilated? Try saying that when you're drunk! **Shamandalie**- Remus is easiest to understand- he's the outcast in all of us. **dancing in daydreams**- I'm glad you liked that chapter- it really did take me about seven tries to write it. But I am cruel. **foreverandever**- Other, I'm afraid. You'll have to wait and see… **Seducer of the Night**- I'm evil? Not the one threatening the poor innocent plushie? **KawaiiMegami86**- Would it help if I told you I'm also a sap? **EsScaper**- Yeah- he seems to have no trouble with the idea of killing PP in POA. There may well be an epilogue to this in which Siri gets real mean… **Robyn1212**- While you're doing that impression, stay away from cats. **carpe-nox-sulum-nox**- I felt like getting a bit of violence in there somewhere. Hold onto that flannel! **Sunshine Pie**- I think some of you have already gone crazy :checks Siri plushie to make sure he's still got all his pieces: **Viar**- As I told EsScaper, there might be a epilogue with mean Siri. And he'll probably still be a git for a while. **IssaLee**- I really do feel for Siri. Everyone's abusing him…**tomfelton'sbabe429**- Thank you! I like being on c2s, it makes me feel good. **Queen of the Paperclips**- I agree! GO is my fav book! **aishteru**- 9 reviews in one go? Thanks!  
Thanks to **oO**,**sesshomaruhasafluffytail**, **butterflywings32**, **Ayame Lupin**, **checkmarks**, **InfectiouslyDepressing**, **Tanya J Potter**, **Aussie Munchkin**, **Icy Sapphire15**,**QFan**,**Silverwitch07**, **elsie777**, **Moon**,**Lykaios Nyx**,**satin insanity**, **Hawk Willowwalker**, **jessicagreen**, **LiTOSWTAZN**, **Versipellis**, **Allisarte**, **bloodyredlips**, **Selene182**, **caramel** and **PerfectlySirius **


	16. Ignoring

**This chapter is for EsScaper, who wanted to see a tougher Remus. Thanks to Nox for the Italian.**

**Peter POV (coz I seem to have pretty much abandoned him- he was only mentioned in one chapter)**

_Save me save me save me  
I can't face this life alone  
Save me save me save me...  
I'm naked and I'm far from home_

I walk into the library, and through the stacks to the table we use on the rare occasions we enter. James is slouched in a chair, watching his fingers drum. I sit opposite him. "Prongs? Where's Padfoot?"

He shrugs. "Don't know. Hopefully nowhere near here."

I don't know what's happened. Before Remus went away, everything was normal. Not completely. Remus and Sirius were closer than they'd been before, going off every so often and leaving me and James together. I think Sirius felt guilty about the accident. One night, I woke up and got up to go to the loo, and he was out on the balcony. I could hear him crying, saying 'all my fault, Remmie broken, all my fault'. I thought he was just drunk again.

But since Remus came back from St Mungo's everything has changed. Sirius doesn't talk to us anymore, and whenever I ask James makes a sarcastic comment, and glances at Remus to make sure he's ok. Something happened between them, and I want to know what.

It's not fair, the way they've cut me out. I'm their friend too. I might not be as intelligent as them, or as good looking, or as popular, but I'm still a Marauder. And as such, I deserve to know the truth. I'm going to find out what happened if I have to ask everyone.

Remus walks in, and sits next to me, smiling slightly. "Hey guys."

James nods. "Moony. What're you gonna do?"

Remus smiles. "Potions. 'The Properties of Wolfsbane'." He pulls out parchment and a quill and begins to make notes.

I turn to him. "Moony, have you seen Padfoot?"

He speaks without looking up. "No, and to be brutally honest I hope wherever he is he's in terrible pain."

"What? But he's…"

"Arrogant, two faced, traitorous," he pauses, "a bastard?"

I stare at his bent head. "I was going to say your best friend."

The little I can see of his face twists, and he presses the quill down so hard that it snaps. "He was more than that," he whispers, so soft that for a moment I think I imagined it.

"Then why aren't you talking to him?" I say, placing one hand on his arm.

He shrugs me off tersely. "You wouldn't understand."

"Why not?"

"You just wouldn't, Peter." He pulls out another quill. "Now go chuck yourself off a tower."

"I was just worried about you, no need to bite my head off."

"Worry about someone who wants it."

James is frowning at him across the table. "Rem, are you ok?"

"Firstly, don't call me that. I hate being called that." That's a lie; it's what Sirius used to call him all the time, and Remus never got annoyed then. If anything, he seemed to enjoy it. He always smiled slightly. "Secondly, I'm fine. Absolutely hunky-bloody-dory."

James raises an eyebrow. "Remus, you don't sound ok."

"I've cut that git out of my life. It's the best thing I've ever done." Remus smirks, his eyes bitter. "Now I won't have to destroy myself every day at his whim. I can do it my own way."

James taps his quill on the table, looking thoughtful. "He said something just like that."

"No wonder." Remus looks down again. "We're both the same, deep down. Monsters."

I gasp. "But you're not, Moony!"

"Leave it, Pete. We've had this argument a lot, and Moony won't let his mind be changed."

Remus salutes James ironically. "Well done, you've finally learnt when you're fighting a losing cause."

He freezes, staring beyond James, then rests his head on his hand, shielding his eyes. James and I follow his line of sight. Sirius is standing behind the stack, peering through the gap left by missing books. He looks like a deer in the headlights, his eyes wide and his lips parted slightly, as though he was about to say something. James sighs angrily, and turns back to the table determinedly. Sirius' face tightens with some emotion, and he spins round to leave the library with his robes swirling around him.

"Um, guys, I have to get something from the dorm." The other two don't even look up as I leave the library to follow Sirius.

As I run into the corridor, I see his robes turning the corner. I follow, my breath coming in huffs and puffs. He's always just too far in front, and so I pause to gather my breath and shout.

"Padfoot! Sirius! Wait up!" He stops for a moment, and then continues. I run, the break giving me extra strength. I manage to catch him outside a Charms classroom and place my hand on his shoulder to stop him. "Padfoot, stop."

He doesn't turn round. "What, Wormtail? Have you come to yell at me?"

"No." I pull him into the classroom. He refuses to look at me, keeping his head bowed so that his hair covers his face. "What the hell has happened?"

"It's none of your business. None of Potter's either. It's between me and Lupin."

"Why are you calling them that?"

He laughs, his face still hidden. "Because that's how they refer to me. It's either 'Black' or 'that bastard' or just plain 'him'."

I sit on one of the tables, swinging my legs. "Neither of you are happy, so why don't you just make up?"

He looks up then, and I can see his face. I catch my breath. His eyes are surrounded by huge black circles, and they're beginning to puff up. Even though I don't follow his style, I know that the makeup will only run when it gets wet. He's been crying. "Gee, Peter, I really don't know what I'd do without your brilliant ideas." He runs his hand back through his hair. "Lupin hates me."

"Why? What did you do?"

He laughs. "Ab-so-lutely nothing. Not a single thing. Well, I did, but not something that merits this."

"So talk to him!"

"Ok, Wormtail, you get him to stand still and actually look at me, and I'll take it from there." He breathes in and shuts his eyes. "Just go away. O cessa te di piagarmi o la scia te mi morir."

I stare at him. "What?"

"It's from a song. It's Italian. It means… oh no longer seek to pain me, oh give o'er and let me die. In other words, piss off and let me wallow in my misery."  
I move closer to him and lay a hand on his arm. "Padfoot, it can't be anything too serious. You've done worse. Like when you told Snape about…"

He jumps, startling me. He stares off into space, his face hard. "Snape…" he breathes. "I'll bet it was him, he always fancied him, I'll kill the greasy bastard…"

"Padfoot, what are you on about? What has Snape done?"

"I don't know. But it's him, he turned Remus against me. I'll make him pay."

I try to stop him, standing in the doorway. "Please, don't do anything stupid."

He snarls and pushes me out of the way. This isn't good. Knowing Sirius, he could well beat Snape into a pulp. The only people who'd stand a chance of stopping him are James and Remus, but they're not talking to him. Still, this is more important.

I sprint towards the library, praying that I'll find them quickly.

I literally run into them down the corridor, falling into Remus and pushing him to the floor. He looks up at me, a questioning look in his eyes.

"In a hurry, Pete?"

"It's Sirius," I gasp. "He's gonna kill Snape."

Remus pales instantly. James pulls me up as Remus scrabbles in his bag and pulls out an old piece of parchment. "I solemnly swear I am up to no good," he says urgently. "Come on, come on… shit. Snape is in the dungeons, and Sirius is nearly there." He stuffs his things back into his bag and takes off, leaving James and I to follow.

I've never seen Remus run this fast. Then again, I've never seen him so angry before. I don't know who's going to end up in worse shape- Snape or Sirius.

We stumble down the steps and into an almost deserted corridor. Only Snape and Sirius are in front of us. We stop and stare. Sirius has Snape pinned to the ground, the front of his robes clutched in one hand. "You thought you could turn Remus against me?" He drops Snape. "You'll regret everything!" He pulls his fist back and pounds down repeatedly. The relentless thud of flesh on flesh is sickening. Remus rushes forward and pulls Sirius off, throwing him bodily to the floor. Snape doesn't move. Sirius stares upwards. "Rem, it was him-"

"Shut up." Remus' voice is icy. "James, Peter, help Severus to the Hospital Wing."

"Rem, it's his fault!

"No!" The retort is like a whip. "It's your fault, Black. No one else's." He turns and leaves. Sirius stays on the ground, breathing heavily. Neither James nor I have moved. We just stare at Sirius and the unconscious Snape.

**SlashyKitty**- Hmm… strange epiphany… :looks innocent: **Lykaios Nyx**- Where are you! **checkmarks**- Thank you. **LiTOSWTAZN**- You think this is confusing? Try writing it! **MoonyNZ**- Here is your next update. **Versipellis**- There's a big queue of angry reviewers to 'teach him' ;) **QFan**- The secret to lots of emotion is trying to write while being attacked by my cousin while also watching Shrek 2. **Lady of Faerie**- I'm sorry! It wasn't one of my shortest, but still majorly sorry. **bloodyredlips**- What's your idea? **Sunshine Pie**- Only person to comment on James. **butterflywings32**- Wow… I'm brilliant… as your beta, MORE TYPING! ;) **Jessica Goldberg**- Probably gonna be 21 chapters, with maybe an epilogue. **Ayame Lupin**- Once you're in, you'll never get out! **KawaiiMegami86**- I need to read some fluff urgently, I depressed myself with angst earlier. Tuttle is the best episode EVER. **TheDreamerLady**- Would you want me to spoil it? **Selene182**- Stay together! **clamsofmacabre**- A plot thought up when I was bored is brilliant? I should be bored more. **aishteru**- You turn up everywhere! Ta! **thequeeneb**- I am glad you're hooked. Keep reviewing! **carpe-nox-sulum-nox**- Ta! The only thing I'm addicted to is reviews. And biscuits. **sesshomaruhasafluffytail**- Don't feel unloved!  
With thanks to **bluefire-elemental**, **Queen of the Paperclips**, **Silverwitch07**, **caramel**, **EsScaper**, **foreverandever**, **decaydancexx **and **MinervaEvenstar**


	17. Forgetting

**Ah, wonderful people. My toe. My poor toe. The nail is dropping off- I was clumsy and walked into my friend's foot. Right after getting my GCSE results. And, despite spending my 'revision' time writing the first few chapters of this, I did well! Woohoo! Ta to everyone who wished me luck.**

**This is Rem POV. Very mucked up. He is drunk.**

_I have no heart- I'm cold inside  
I have no real intent_

I glare across the common room at him. He's sat in the corner all alone, not taking part in the party. It makes a change from the usual group of sycophants surrounding him at these things, angling for his affection. At the last party they didn't have to try too hard, did they?

I can't see him clearly. My vision keeps swinging. His face is swathed in shadows, and his legs are stuck out from the chair. Stupid arrogant upper class haughty Black. He's everything he claimed to hate about them.

He's hurt me, much more than I thought was possible. He took everything I was, everything I ever held dear, and destroyed it. Walked over me like I was nothing. Worse than nothing. I was just his plaything, something to be used and dropped once pleasure is no longer derived from use. Use. That's what he did. He used me.

I take another sip from my bottle. Even though I hate him, and I tell James not to mention him, I can't get him of my head. I dream about him at night, about the way he looks in the half light of dawn which comes in through the curtains around the bed, about the way he looks when he laughs, about the way he kisses… I even find myself thinking about him during the day, in the middle of lessons or when I'm meant to be studying. For a moment I can't breathe because I'm not with him. Then I remember what he's like, and what he's done, and I hate myself just as much for still wanting him. I think the wolf has a definite masochistic streak.

I'll show him what he's missing.

I put down my bottle- I've emptied it- and move across to the record player. I flick through the albums, finding one that I can dance to. I slip it out of its sleeve and place it onto the turntable, lifting the needle and putting it down in the right place.

The piano notes start, and everyone turns to look. I ignore them and move to the centre of the room. Normally I'd run from this situation, but not tonight. Tonight I dance. I'm alone. Always alone. I throw my arms above my head and begin to writhe slowly. I know I'm copying _his_ movements from so many times before. When he danced it drove me crazy. Now I'll do the same to him, see how he likes to see what he can't have.

Other people are beginning to join me, but I know he's still watching. I can feel his eyes burning into me. I throw my head back and let myself flow into the music, forgetting everything. The words control me.

_Death on two legs  
You're tearing me apart  
Death on two legs  
You never had a heart of your own_

I can feel someone dancing with me, sliding their hands onto my hips. I don't care who they are, so long as it's not _him_. It could be anyone. Most sixth and seventh years are here, including ones from the other houses. It could even be a Slytherin.

_You're just an old barrow-boy  
Have you found a new toy to replace me  
Can you face me_

I wonder why _he_ hasn't got anyone with him at the moment. Probably someone waiting upstairs, keeping his bed warm.

I relax into my partner's body, reducing my dancing to a gentle sway. We move together, neither speaking.

_Is your conscience all right  
Does it plague you at night  
Do you feel good- Feel good?_

He begins to move his hands along my body, caressing me softly. I rest my head back on his shoulder, shutting my eyes and exposing my neck. He begins to place kisses on me, gradually becoming more demanding. He spins me round and pulls my chin up to him. I still don't know who he is, my eyes still shut tight. He kisses me.

It's different to when I kissed _him_. It's harder, more desperate. The kiss tastes like Firewhiskey and smoke. It's harsh, so unlike the soft gentle kisses that _he_ gave me. I press for more, snaking my arms around my partner's neck. If I keep kissing this guy, maybe I can forget about all the other kisses. I can drown in him.

But I know the real reason I haven't opened my eyes. If I see who I'm kissing, I won't be able to imagine it's _him_ anymore.

"Remus!" Someone grabs my arm and pulls me away, leaving my partner stranded. I'm pulled across to the wall. I hold my head, trying to stop it from spinning, and open my eyes. James is glaring at me.

"Why'd you pull me away?" I say petulantly.

"You were making a complete prat of yourself! Snogging in the middle of the room!"

"So?" I laugh bitterly. "I'm free and single, Jamesie boy. I can do what I want with who I want."

He sighs and places a hand on my shoulder. "Listen, Rem, I know you're hurting, and you want to hurt Sirius. But this isn't right."

I push him off angrily and stare up at him. "I do not want to talk about him. And stop calling me Rem. It's a stupid stupid name."

I turn away from him and look towards the corner where _he_'s been sat. He's gone. I whirl, looking for him, but there's no sign. Maybe he's gone up to whoever's in his bed. I can't stop the way I feel about that. It hurts, like a dagger in my heart. I hate that.

"Remus, do you even remember who you were kissing?"

I shrug. "No. He was a good kisser, though."

"Oh, Remus!" James sits down, looking at me with concern in his eyes. "Can't you see what you're doing? You're becoming just like Sirius."

"Oh yeah, because I'm cheating on the person who loves me when I think he's not looking. I'm doing what he's specifically begged me never to do. I'm taking his heart and tearing it into little tiny pieces!"

"No. You're drinking yourself into oblivion, and snogging the nearest person to you." The sadness in his eyes gets to me. I kick the nearest chair over, regardless of the looks I'm getting from other people in the room.

"Leave me alone. You don't understand what's going on in my mind, you with your perfect life, and your perfect girlfriend. You could never understand me. So do us all a favour, and don't try."

I run across the room, not knowing where I'll end up going. I stumble from the portrait, losing my balance completely. As I'm about to collapse onto the floor someone catches me and holds me in their arms. I look up to my rescuer's eyes, and see the only person who can understand what I feel.

**Lady of Faerie**- We'll get you a Sev of your very own for Christmas. **SlashyKitty**- Is Choppy your axe? **elsie777**- Hmm… :little wink: **decaydancexx**- Never say never. **QFan**- Not just yet. Sorry. **aishteru**- Thank you for reviewing so much! **EsScaper**- I hope you didn't hurt yourself, falling off the chair. Heehee, lots still planned for Stromboli. **bloodyredlips**- Hmm. Nice idea. I only write short things at the moment. **The Cotton Candy Kisses**- I'm always scared of writing Peter, in case I get it wrong. **Icy Sapphire15**- I can't say. You have to pay attention, or I'll finish it when you're not looking! **KawaiiMegami86**- You think you're nutty? Try me and my friend. **Leftover Jackson**- I've just bought that album! And lots of people seem to like hands. We should start a society. **carpe-nox-sulum-nox**- Sorry for the depression. I'm happy, and I get angsty when I'm happy. 5 O'clock Charlie- 'Sound off!' '1' '2' 'That's about it'. **girl-in-the-moon**- HP world is not right. Tonks:strangle: **Lykaios Nyx**- I say again, just post! We love you! **giant-hamster**- No, this is my only shot at this. **IssaLee**- At heart I'm a sap. Does that make it better? **butterflywings32**- 'Eating Death'? I love that phrase! **Zoutou**- Wow! You came and read my story! Thankyou so so much! Your story is amazing and I am going to stop gushing now. **puffskein**- Ah, you must wait and see. Ta for the c2! **lauren**- Hey my closest Aussie fan!  
Thanks to **Versipellis**, **checkmarks**, **Selene182**, **Ayame Lupin**and **Korogi-chan**.


	18. Feeling

**My first day at college. I feel so grown up. No, really.**

**OK- are we still allowed to respond to reviews? Coz nothing's changed in the rules. So I'm gonna keep on doing it, unless anyone can show me the thing which says we can't. I'm just bloody minded.**

**PS- Stromboli's first name is Matt. The reasons for which I will reveal to a few people. If they ask nicely.**

_Was it all wasted  
All that love?_

"Remus! Merlin, you nearly fell over. Are you ok?"

It's Stromboli. He's holding me close, his eyes filled with some unidentifiable emotion. I stand on my own legs, his arms still circling me, and smile at him. "Yeah, fine."

"You don't look it."

He releases me and I slump against the wall, not caring that I'll end up blocking the corridor. "Probably because I am drunk at the moment."

"Why? I thought you hated that. When Sis used to get drunk, you always got mad at him."

"In this particular case, the use of alcohol is justified."

"Because…?"

"It's just… everything's crap."

He smiles slightly and sits down opposite me. "Isn't that slightly pessimistic?"

"Not pessimistic- just realistic."

He nods. "Want to talk about it?"

"Not really." I put one hand to my head, trying to stop the ache inside it.

"You and Sis haven't been together much recently."

He says it as a plain statement, nothing more, but I still whip my head round to look at him, sending tendrils of pain shooting across my eyes. "Why? Have you been watching?"

"I can't help but watch." He shuts his eyes as if in pain. "I still love him."

"I'm sorry, Matt. Really, really sorry."

"It's ok."

I shift uncomfortably. "Matt, Black and I were… we… um…"

"Remus, stop. I know what you're trying to say. You and Sis… you were together."

"How do you…"

"I watch him, remember? It was easy to see from the way you were around him. I know what it's like to love him. Don't worry. No one would have noticed unless they were really watching. And understanding what they were seeing."

I bow my head. Black hurt him, just like he hurt me, and it was my fault that Stromboli is now in pain. "I'm sorry for taking him away."

"I don't blame you, Remus. I blame him."

"He's an evil git."

"No, I don't think so. Mostly, I think, he's a child. He sees something, wants it, takes it, leaves it."

I run my hand through my hair, then stop as I remember Black saying something about it being 'adorable'. I'd rather not do anything he'd think of like that. "Matt… how do you do it? Still loving him? How do you get through the day, still seeing him all the time?"

"I'm not really coping. It's driving me insane." I reach across and put my hand on his knee. He looks up and smiles gratefully. "I guess you're in the same position, so you know what it's like. How I feel about him and everything else."

"I'm angry at him. He's such a bastard."

He tilts his head. "What did he do to you?" he asks curiously.

I breathe in, steeling myself. "You know I went to St Mungo's for a bit? Well, when I got home, he was snogging some girl at my welcome home party. Then we had an argument, and he told me he never loved me." My voice shakes slightly at the end. I clench the hand resting on his leg into a fist, hating the way my feelings betray me.

He covers my fist with his hand. "He doesn't know what he had."

"I hate him, Matt, so much. I'm angry, and I wish he was dead, and I think he's a bastard, but I can't forget him. I still dream about him."

"I know. It's like no one else will ever make you feel the same way again. No one else could ever make you feel as alive as when you're with him, as loved. And yet you know that with him you were dying, one piece at a time."

I stare at him. "That's it, that's how I feel."

"I've been out with a few people since him, but nothing's ever come out of it."

I think. The only other person I've ever even kissed, apart from Black, was whoever I was dancing with earlier. I want to know who that was. Maybe that person could help me get over Black, and make him jealous. "Matt, where you in the common room just now?"

He nods. "Yeah. I came out to get some air."

"Good. Listen, did you see me dancing?"

"Yeah…"

"Did you see who I was dancing with?"

He blushes and looks down at the ground. "Um, yeah. Me." I gaze at him. I've never spent this much time alone with him. Hell, I've never looked at him properly before. His hair is very dark brown, hanging down to chin level in waves. A few months ago he put blonde streaks in it, but they're nearly completely gone now. His eyes are a bright shining azure, countered by his heavy black lashes. His face is sharp, his cheeks slightly sunken, and although he's not traditionally handsome there's something about him… You know that he's experienced, and that he could please you.

"Why did you kiss me?"

"I-I'm sorry," he stammers, and looks away.

"No, it's ok. I would've stayed if James hadn't pulled me away. You're a good kisser."

He smiles. "Thanks. Not so bad yourself."

"But why me?"

He shrugs. "You looked like you wanted to forget. I wanted that as well. I thought, maybe, we could forget in each other. You're also the only person who could ever make me forget Sis."

I know I'm blushing, the compliment taking effect now that the alcohol is wearing off. "But how? I'm nothing."

He comes closer, kneeling in front of me. His blue eyes lock with mine as he brings one hand to rest under my chin. His thumb begins to wander across my face, running across my lips. "You are," he says, his voice low and husky. "You're smart, funny, tender, kind, compassionate, everything that he's not. And you're beautiful, in a soft golden way that he could never be." He leans in to kiss me, a gentle brush of the lips to gauge my reaction. He draws back, his hand now cupping my cheek. I watch, quite detached, as my own hand comes up to stroke his hair back from his face. I have to keep my eyes open while we're kissing. Then I know I'll be able to get over Black. This time it really will be Stromboli that I'm with. We kiss again, this time in a hard crushing kiss. Both trying to forget by filling our senses with the other.

A noise makes us pull apart. Standing in the corridor, staring at us with pain in his eyes, is Black. I look at him coolly, then pull Stromboli forward. I open my mouth and force his open. Our tongues battle, and we drown in each other.

We sit like that for a few moments, kissing, then draw apart, panting. I look up the corridor.

He's gone.

**elsie777**- Nice premonition. Ain't I evil? **QFan**- Ta for the cookies. My toe got worse today- I forgot and stood on my points. **Ms.Lykaios Nyx**- Ah, but it wasn't Sirius! And look, I gave you the newer name. Like or no? **FlamencoPenguin**- Ta for the c2 :blushes: And lovely review. **RonaldYHarry**- He's going off the rails, crazed by grief. **Lady of Faerie**- Be careful with Sevvy! Once you get him, he won't be returnable! **KawaiiMegami86**- Nuttiness is good! **carpe-nox-sulum-nox**- Woo! Go Mash! "Get me Tokyo." "What, on the radio?" "No, open the door and yell." **chaeli.meep.**- I have to make it angsty. I'm a depressing person. **IssaLee**- In my first idea they were gonna get together, but I changed my mind. Oo, and ta for the celebration! You were the only one to notice :sniff: **SLC**- Well… oo, I can explain, but I'd ruin it for everyone. Tell me your email and I'll explain without spoilers. I was kinda worried about you, and feeling neglected! ;) **SlashyKitty**- Even bigger depression fit now, methinks. **EsScaper**- Maybe I use my toes to type. **butterflywings32**- Hmm. Missy, write! **lauren**- Half a world away. I do no geography either. **Ethereal Dawn**- Ta! Wow, all the way through at that time? Let's start a 'we hate tonks' society. **Selene182**- Glad you like me cliffies. **Leftover Jackson and Artina**- Glad you both like it, and don't worry about being hyper. The song rules! **cerasi1**- It'll soon be over, I promise. This fic will get finished.  
With thanks to **Versipellis**, **suckers love**, **Miss 'Nubis**, **decaydancexx**, **Karamela**, **The Cotton Candy Kisses**, **Icy Sapphire15**, **clamsofmacabre**, **Freak in Corner,** **marina-potter **and **freakanature**.


	19. Erring

**I am so so so so so so so incredibly sorry. I know it's been a while since I've updated, but we've been given some essays to do, and also this chapter was just really annoying and not easy to write. But be grateful I have bad sleeping patterns- I woke up about 2 hours early, and so got to thinking about this! In between daydreaming about this new guy…**

**This may well go up to M for the next chapter. Nothing too graphic, I promise, but it'll need the rating. So look for this in there, or stick it on your alerts (hint) so as not to miss the next instalment!**

**Lily perspective. Wow, I learnt a new word in psychology.**

_The slate will soon be clean  
I'll erase the memories  
To start again with somebody new_

It's quite a warm day for the time of year. Well, not particularly warm, but the sun is shining down on us. And the fact that it's a Saturday, and therefore no lessons today, really makes the day. We can lie around doing nothing, which is in actual fact what we are doing.

I lie in James' arms, my head pillowed on his chest. I can feel his heart thumping as he pulls his fingers through my hair. It's midmorning, and we're lying under one of the trees that dot the grounds. We've been out here for a few hours now. I'm almost asleep, lulled by both the gentle breeze and the steady rhythm of James' heartbeat.

"Lily," he says distractedly. "Promise me something?"

"Sure. What?"

"Will you always love me?"

I smile and snuggle closer. "Of course. I love you now, and I'll love you when we leave school, and I'll love you when you're old and all your hair and teeth have fallen out."

He still doesn't seem content, pushing me for more. "What if I do something really horribly bad? And part of you hates me for it, and you can't bear to be near me? Will you still love me then?"

I sit up and stare down at him. His face is troubled, his eyes worried behind his glasses. "James, what have you done?"

He looks confused for a moment, then shakes his head vigorously, making his hair even untidier than it had been. "No, not me. I haven't done anything. It's just hypothetical. I'm still the James Potter you fell in love with."

I lie back down again. "I haven't said I love you yet. Getting slightly arrogant there, Mr Potter."

"Well, I just assumed my godlike looks and winning personality spoke for themselves." His tone is lightly teasing.

I hit him softly. "Prat." We lie there in silence for a few moments. But I can't leave his comment alone. "James… what you said. Was it something to do with Remus and Black?"

He sits up suddenly, pushing me off. He seizes my chin and forces me to look at him. "What do you know about that?" he rasps. His eyes are wide and alarmed.

I pull away, slightly shocked by his reaction. "Not much. What the hell was that for?"

"Lily, tell me what you meant by that. Please." He leans forward, closer to me.

I shrug, scared by him. "Just that they've fallen out. A few weeks ago they were always together, you couldn't talk to one without the other being there. Now they can barely stand to be in the same room."

He sighs, and sits back. "I'm sorry Lils. It's just… I'm uptight at the moment."

"It was Black, wasn't it?" He doesn't respond, just shutting his eyes and bowing his head. He runs a hand through his hair, an unconscious action rather than the normal annoying egotistical gesture. "Remus is too nice, and he used to glare at Black across the room. Now that he's dating Stromboli he seems better…"

James snorts. "Stromboli's… Stromboli's a prat, but he's better than some of the others Remus could have chosen. I suppose."

"I never knew Remus was gay."

James shrugs. "Neither did I until a few months ago. Everything's… complicated."

I sit closer to him, leaning my body against his legs. "Was it Black?"

He grimaces, as though the words are painful. "Yeah. He did something really stupid, something totally and utterly stupid. And it hurt Remus a lot. Now he's punishing him."

"What did he do?"

"I can't tell you."

"James…"

"No, Lily. It's not my secret."

I nod, and place my hand on top of his, intertwining our fingers. "Are you punishing Black too? I know you're not talking to him."

"Correction: I wasn't talking to him. I am now. Last night… he was out on our balcony."

"Doing what?"

He leans forward and places his head on my shoulder. "Don't tell anyone Lils. He was crying."

"Why?"

"Lots of things."

"Was he drunk?"

James shakes his head. "No. I feel sorry for him. Nothing's gone right for him."

"James! He's got everything going for him! He looks great, he's in the Quidditch team, he's popular, he's clever… he has no right to be miserable."

"Who's this?" I jump and turn my head. Black is stood right behind me, his hands stuck in his pockets and his hair loose around his shoulders. He smirks at me and sits down, his knees close to his chest. It's strange. I've never seen him sit like that before. Normally he stretches out into all available space, almost like a big floppy dog with no concept of personal space. Now he's sitting… like Remus, in a way.

James pulls away from me slightly. "Hey Padfoot."

"Prongs." He nods curtly. "Sweet Lily."

"Why're you here, Black? Is it the studmuffin's day off?"

He winces. "Don't."

I raise an eyebrow. "Don't what?"

"Don't call me a studmuffin."

I laugh. "Ok." Strange thing to wince about.

James lies down so that he can see Black's face. He props his head up with one elbow. "You ok?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" Black picks up one of the fallen sticks and begins to twirl it in his hand.

I spin myself around so that I don't have to keep twisting my neck. "Black…"

"Evans…"

I take a deep breath. "What happened between you and Remus?"

James hits me, and Black's eyes narrow before he bows his head. His hair acts like a curtain, hiding all emotions on his face from me. "I did something, and now he hates me. That's all there is to it."

"James said he was punishing you."

Black shakes his head. "No. He just hates me. He's getting on with his life, dating Matt Stromboli." He looks up, his grey eyes unreadable. He begins to strip the stick of its bark, concentrating solely on that. "You can barely walk along the corridor without bumping into them. They're always stood around, seeing who can stick their tongue furthest down the other's throat. Or they're spread out on the couch in the common room. You can't tell whose legs are where."

"You dated Stromboli, didn't you?"

He shrugs. "For a bit. He was ok. Slightly clingy."

I look down at my watch. "James, didn't you say you had Quidditch practice?"

"Yeah, at eleven."

"It's quarter past."

"Shit." He jumps up, and pauses to look down at Black. "Padfoot, are you coming?"

He begins to shake his head, but then stops to stare beyond me. James turns to follow his eyeline, as do I. It's Remus and Stromboli. They're walking along very closely, their arms around each other. Black throws his stick to the ground and stands.

"I'd rather do exercise than sit around with those two."

I click my tongue disapprovingly. "Black, just because you're unhappy doesn't mean everyone else has to be."

He stares at them, approaching us slowly. "I don't want everyone else to be," he whispers. "Just one person." With that, he leaves, James shooting me an apologetic glance as he follows.

I lie back down, considering Black's words. It seems very selfish for him to want Remus unhappy. After all, James said that it was Black's fault in the first place. He should be happy for Remus. Remus has never had anyone in his life before, and he always seems so unhappy. Well, there was a period of time when he seemed really happy. A while ago, after he fell off the tower and woke up from his coma. He didn't blame Black for that, although I know he was involved somehow. Then Remus got really miserable again, but now that he's with Stromboli he smiles. Sometimes.

"Hey Lily." Remus is stood over me, smiling.

I smile too, brushing some of my hair away from my eyes. "Hey Remus. Matt."

They sit down, and I put my head on one side in order to see them. "No James, Lily?" Stromboli asks.

"He was here a minute ago, but he has Quidditch practice. He forgot about it."

Remus smiles. "Prongs is a forgetful idiot."

"Tell me about it. I have to rely on him remembering my birthday, and our anniversary." I decide to try something. "Sirius was here with him."

Remus' face tightens, only for a second, and Stromboli's arms wrap around him. Then it's gone, and Remus smiles nonchalantly. "Didn't know they were talking again."

"Since last night." Remus shrugs and leans back into Stromboli's embrace. "What happened between you two?"

"Nothing. I'm better off without him in my life."

Stromboli nuzzles Remus' neck. "He's got me now, anyway."

That puzzles me. That makes it sound like Remus used to have Black… and they would never make a good couple. Remus is far better than Black deserves. I don't think Remus would ever stand to be… with Black. Maybe, though. It would explain why Black seemed upset. Maybe he's regretting hurting Remus. In which case I hope he suffers.

I stand. "I'm gonna go watch James. I always promise him I will, but never get round to it." I walk away, leaving the two of them entwined on the ground.

**PerfectlySirius**- Ta for being proud, and can I have Love Hearts? **freakanature**- Confusing is good. It means my twists are actually working. **Ms. Lykaios**- I will try to make your days better, with lots of goodness from my stories. There you go. **foreverandever**- Hmm. I can't really say… There should be another two chapters after this, and an epilogue. **Lady of Faerie**-You should write a story for Sev. You seem to have a slight obsession… **IssaLee**- Sixth form… I have no idea about grades. I'm in Lower Sixth, which is the equivalent of Sixth Year, and I'm sixteen going on seventeen. Nice long review, btw. I am obsessed with checking my inbox, yes. It's quite sad in a way. **QFan**- I feel better that someone cares. I get no sympathy from my parents, none at all! **EsScaper**- Close, mon ami. Closer than most people. **butterflywings32**- I'm trying to think, honestly. **FlamencoPenguin**- Another nice long review. The end to angst is in sight, I promise. Quite scary really. What am I gonna do after this? (Finish all the other fics I've started!) **cerasi1**- The stumpedness will end, I promise. **thequeeneb**- Yes, the review came through. I am a twisted person- my fav movie is Die Hard coz it makes me laugh. **Shaggy Dog**- Thank you, so much. Yeah, I'm female. Soz about Rem. I do know guys like that, though, so I was writing about them kinda. **Icy Sapphire15**- No one'll tell me, so I'm ignoring the 'no reviews' thing. **Ethereal Dawn**- Woo! I'm trying to set up a slash forum, so maybe that could have the anti-Tonk society on it. **Onigami Nanashi**- Which friend? I'm nosy. The Italian saying came from a song- dunno which, nox just told me it- and the second song is Save Me. Yay! carpe-nox-sulum-nox- I haven't got any of the series- well, I have the last episode on tape. 'A big red bird with fuzzy pink feet'. I have that picture as my background!  
Thanks to **elsie777**, **aishteru**, **Silverwitch07**, **Versipellis**, **Lil-Riter**, **SlashyKitty**, **SLC**, **KawaiiMegami86**, **decaydancexx**, **Karamela**, **suckers love**, **Tim**, **marina-potter** and **TE-Bag**.


	20. Bleeding

**Ok… slightly late. Ah well. It's here! I'm on half term, so I may get to write the next chapter as well. I have started that! Honest… Right, I'm really sorry for this chapter. It's bad. As in 'omfg, I am gonna kill Oz!' There will be a little summary at the end, so if you really don't want to read then skip on down to that.**

**Thank you to people who read You're So Vain! The Will and Jack were meant to be from Will and Grace. Cummon, you know they are so together!**

**Remus POV (see, told you we'd get back to him eventually)**

_I hang my head and I advertise  
A soul for sale or rent_

I sit on the desk and swing my legs. Matt told me to meet him in this empty classroom about five minutes ago, and he still hasn't shown up. The last few weeks… they've been ok. At times, I can forget. No, Matt isn't amazing. But he's around, and he likes me.

I trace a piece of writing on the wood. '_The Half Blood Prince will rule_'. Bloody full of himself.

I wonder why Matt wants to see me. He might have something to tell me, something that he can't say in the common room. I don't know what. I smile slightly. Maybe he wants to tell me that he loves me. And I know how I'll respond. I'll say the words back. No, I won't mean them, but are they ever meant? How many people ever say 'I love you' and truly mean it? The thought makes me grimace. I've said it before, and meant it. But then again, the first time I said it was when I was about to kill myself, and the second time was in a letter. Three little words, said so very often, and yet they tell the biggest lie of all.

Matt's good, but I can't stay with him at night. How can I? He's in the year below me, so I can't just wander across to his bed. He's fun. I haven't studied as much as I should have in the past few weeks, but who cares? It's not like I'll ever be able to do anything. No one will ever want to employ a werewolf, and as for a gay werewolf- that's it, out of the window.

No, these thoughts are stupid. Matt's probably coming so that we can snog for a bit. In which case I really don't need to be thinking about _him_. I highly doubt Matt would appreciate me moaning _that_ name in the middle of a kiss.

I look around the room. Mostly boring, just a load of desks with a blackboard at the front. There haven't been any lessons in here for years. It's just used as a room for people to go when they want to be alone. Barely any light comes in from the windows, except for one space on the floor where the moon is shining.

I stand in astonishment. The moon is new tonight, it can't be shining. I creep across, and see that the light is in fact being emitted from a Pensieve. The shimmering surface looks blank, and I lean over to try and get a better look at the contents. Strange, it looks like…_his_…face. Maybe this is his Pensieve. Filled with a sudden resolve, I grasp the sides of the bowl and fall into the memory.

---

_Remus looks around him. He's in one of the disused classrooms on the third floor. Sirius and Stromboli are sat on the floor in front of him, several empty bottles between them. _

_As Remus watches, Sirius buries his head in his hands. "I don't deserve him."_

"_Why not?" _

"_He wants us to be together when we're older. He wants us to get married. I'm not good enough for him. He doesn't want me to drink, but I still do it every single night." Sirius punctuates each word with a blow to his head. "And it's my fault he fell from the tower." _

_Stromboli leans forward. "What happened that night?"_

_Sirius looks up, his face streaked with tears. He reaches for the only full bottle and drinks from it swiftly. "He was gonna kill himself, and he tole me he loved someone. I said I'd jump too, coz I loved him. He didn't believe me at first, thought I was just trying to stop him. I jumped, but he caught my arm, and we both fell, but he took all the force of the fall."_

"_Does he blame you?"_

"_He says no. But sometimes, in his eyes, there's something… maybe I just see it because I'm drunk." _

_Stromboli shuffles around on the floor so that he's sitting next to Sirius. He places his arm around the older boy. "He's not perfect. Maybe he does blame you."_

_Sirius turns desolate eyes to Stromboli. "You think? Rem just wants to be loved. His family… they think he's a monster. He's scared of that, doesn't wanna be a monster. His mum ignores him, and his dad gets drunk all the time, which is why he doesn't want me to. He's hardly got any other friends, I won't let anyone near in case they hurt him."_

"_Do you love him?" The note of jealousy is evident in Stromboli's voice, but the inebriated Sirius misses it._

"_Yes." Sirius bursts into tears, burying his head in Stromboli's shoulder. Remus wants to run across and hold him, but knows that it would be useless. "So much. If anything ever happened to him I'd die. I know I'm not good enough for him, but I wouldn't cope if anyone else was with him. If anyone touched him… they'd corrupt him, make him not my innocent beautiful Remmie…"_

"_Have you shagged him?"_

"_No. We've kissed, but he doesn't want to go any further yet."_

_Stromboli's face takes on a calculating look as he strokes Sirius' hair. "Do you?"_

"_Yes, but I'll wait. I love him."_

_Stromboli's face twists. He takes a bottle from his pocket and lowers two drops into the bottle Sirius holds. "Drink up, Sis," he murmurs. Sirius drinks, and collapses onto the ground._

"_I took some of his hair, and added it to my Polyjuice potion." Remus turns to see another Stromboli, the one from Remus' time, behind him. "Then I went upstairs and destroyed you. He didn't remember a thing." _

"_Why?" Remus hadn't realised he was crying. "Why did you do this?"_

_Stromboli's face becomes angry. "Because I wanted you to know how it felt. You destroyed my life, Lupin. You're going to pay for that."_

_Remus' hand is grabbed, and he is pulled upwards, into the real world._

---

I stagger back from him, the look in his eyes scaring me. "Let me go."

He smiles slowly, tapping his wand against his chin. "I think not. The door's locked, the room silenced, and the only way out would be through the window. But poor little Remmie's scared of heights, isn't he?" He strikes quickly, snatching my hand and pulling me across to the window. He places his head on my shoulder and croons softly to me. "Look at it, all beautiful. Looks almost like a toy town."

I screw my eyes up, avoiding looking down at the rocks below the window. Wrenching away, I fall back against a desk. "What are you going to do?"

"I told you." His eyes narrow to slits. "Make you pay." He stalks towards me, ignoring my pathetic attempts to get away. What the hell can I do? He outweighs me easily, and at new moon the wolf lends me no advantage. I have no weapons. He's probably telling the truth, and the door will be locked. So what? The answer comes so quickly, and is so astoundingly simple, that I have to restrain myself from hitting my head. My wand. I scramble in my pocket for it, but he anticipates my move. "Expelliarmus!" My wand spins through the air, and he catches it with a grin. "Naughty. Can't let you do that."

I run behind a desk, using it as a shield. "Matt, if you hurt me then you'll be chucked out of school."

"No, I don't think so. They'll never find your body. They'll just think oh dear, Lupin obviously killed himself, and they'll search for a while. If they look for answers as to why you did it, Potter will be able to tell them that you were in love with Sirius and still felt bitter at his betrayal. I'll add to that, playing the role of the grieving boyfriend." He grins again, turning his face into a grotesque death's head. "How could you do this to me, 'Mus?"

"Fuck off, you bastard."

He snaps my wand and pulls a knife from his pocket. I send a hasty prayer to anyone listening. If it turns out to be silver then I really will be dead, with no chance of escape. He leaps onto me, pushing me to the floor and holding the knifepoint above my eye. "Should I blind you? No, I think I want you to see this." He runs the blade lightly down my face, the blood welling up behind it. Then he punches me, his fist connecting with my eye. "Now you won't be so pretty."

He whispers a spell, and suddenly my hands are tied above my head. I struggle beneath him, and he smirks, running his tongue along my cheek. "Get off me!"

He ignores me, instead cutting my wrists several times. If he thinks the torture will make me cry out, he's mistaken. Yes it hurts, but not half as much as the transformation does every single goddamn month. "Red's a nice colour on you, Remmie. I know, I'll give you a tattoo." He sits up, resting on my legs, and rips my shirt open. He gasps as he sees the scars across my chest. "Oo, kinky bastard, aren't you." He brings the knife down, and begins to etch words in my skin.

"What're you writing?" I lift my head to see, and he punches me in the chin.

"No one told you you could look." His tongue sticks out as he concentrates on the letters. "There! 'Bastard monster whore'." He seems to remember something. "Yeah, I was wondering about that. Why does your dad think you're a monster?"

My mind works frantically as I try to think of an excuse. Even though each passing second makes it more unlikely that I will get out of here alive, I don't want him to know my secret. "Because I'm gay."

"Oh." He looks down for a second, down at my crisscrossed torso. "My parents disowned me for that, threw me out of the house." I resisted the urge to say 'and not because you're a psychopathic bastard, of course'. "No matter." He leans down again, covering my body with his. "I'm going to have some fun with you before I have mercy."

I cry out as his necklace touches my bare skin. A silver pendant. Git, why did he have to wear it tonight?

He sits up quickly, staring down at the perfect shape it has burned into my skin. "Now, why did that happen?"

"I'm allergic to silver."

"Really…" He slips the necklace off and places it down on my ribcage. After just a few moments, I begin to writhe in pain, my earlier resolve not to scream breaking. The stench of burning flesh reaches my nose, and it would make me vomit if I wasn't already in agony.

"Please, please, stop, you'll kill me!"

"That's the idea." He pulls it away, and stares with a sick fascination at the mark he left behind. His gaze then shifts to my eyes. "I loved Sis. I loved him so damn fucking much!" He hits me in the stomach. I arch my back, hissing as the air is expelled. "But you took him from me." He cuts my arm again, and sticks a finger in the blood. "What is so bloody special about you, anyway?" He begins to spread the blood across my forehead. "You're nothing. You're not sexy, you're not specially clever, not funny. You're just a shadow of Sis and Potter, someone who never managed to get their own personality."

Tears of rage have appeared in his eyes, matching my tears. Mine, however, are a mix of pain and fear. "Let me go, Matt, please. I won't tell anyone, just let me go. Please."

"No. What right do you have to plead for your life? You destroyed me without a backward glance. I loved Sis, but then you had to spoil it by threatening to kill yourself and confessing your love. You have no idea about him. You've never seen him in the middle of the night, throwing his head back and screaming as you bring him to climax. You never had sex with him."

"Love is more than sex."

He sneers. "Only virgins and fucking frigids say that. I know which one you are. Well, probably a bit of both. Sis never got anywhere with you, and I never even saw you with your shirt off." He leans in closer, hissing the next words. "That's gonna change, tonight."

My eyes widen, and I begin to struggle even more. He takes off his top, throwing it into the corner of the room. He lies down on top of me to take his trousers off, keeping me restrained with his body. Then he sits up, pulling my belt off with a lustful smile on his face. I'm crying in earnest now, shaking my head and trying desperately to work my hands out of their bonds. I'm screaming, wanting anyone to come in and find me. Help me.

Stromboli flips me onto my front, straddling my hips. He bites my neck, leaving deep tooth marks. "Pity Sis can't know about this," he breathes. "It would kill him. Then again, maybe your death will be enough to do that."

I shut my eyes in humiliation and pain, waiting for the inevitable to happen. Now, I'm praying for death.

**Remus was meeting Stromboli in a classroom, but saw a Pensieve. Looking into it, he found out that Stromboli had taken Polyjuice to kiss the girl the night he came back from St Mungo's. Stromboli then turned up, beat Remus up and is about to rape him. **

**Ok. I am an evil bitch who should be burned at a stake. I think the fact that this chapter is pretty long should count in my favour. Review! Please… I love you all. **

**decaydancexx**- Must wait slightly longer, I'm afraid. **Lady of Faerie**- If Rem grows his tongue, maybe then he could strangle Stromboli. Hmm… **chaeli.meep.**- Hee hee hee hee hee… **butterflywings32**- Dammit, the thing about love. I missed that. Just don't tell anyone else. **marauders4**- I reposted some of the chapters, coz I missed out the song lyrics. They will, quite obviously, be splitting up now. **PerfectlySirius**- Do that dance! Woop! **freakanature**- Next chapter will contain open feelings. Promise. **sesshomaruhasafluffytail**- YOU'LL HAVE TO WAIT! ;) **thequeeneb**- Die Hard rules! We're doing a musical version at college- it is absolutely hilarious. **Rhea Carlysse**- Save Me's my fav song. It's sooo sad :sniff: The music is actually open on Save Me on my keyboard right now. Locking them in a room sounds good. Hee hee… **foreverandever**- OK. Siri didn't want Rem to be unhappy, he wanted the person who split them up to be unhappy. Yeah. And of course, you were right… **carpe-nox-sulum-nox**- I think Stromboli is a volcano. I think I looked it up on google… dunno though. **Lykaios Nyx**- Heyla! Let's all kill Stromboli! **QFan**- Ta for the cookies. I'm all alone at home, no one here to look after me. God, I'm such a sympathy whore. **Icy Sapphire15**- My psych teacher's a sexist. Against guys, but there are only three in the class. It's sooo cool, we get to miss the last Friday in college to go to this thing in Bristol. Rock on! **KawaiiMegami86**- I find Lily really hard to write. Except that was a pretty long chapter (by my standards). Hmm… **SlashyKitty**- Kill Matt! **girl-in-the-moon**- Now you know how to feel! **IssaLee**- Nice long review! Woop! Siri isn't a scuzzbucket (love that word), so we are allowed to feel sorry for him. I've been feeling for him for ages, even when everyone else was planning to castrate him. :glares at everyone: **SLC**- I always get that wrong. **tasselabb**- Wow, I'm an idol :blushes extensively: **Joolz**- Liking the language.  
With thanks to **KnightGuardian**, **Freak in Corner**, **Jamie88**, **YumiFukushima** and **chunky-01**.


	21. Saving

**I got the address wrong- sorry to those of you who've already read this chapter! Come and join my forum at slashyshipping . forumup . org (but without the spaces). I'm all alone there at the mo…**

**OMG, I did not realise it had been a month! Sorry so much! There are reasons- I've got lots of bloody essays to write, I now have a job in the menswear department of a department store (best bit is playing with the tills), and I'm also working on an original story.**

**OO, David Tennant was in GoF… yay!**

I run along the corridor, breath catching in my throat. God, Merlin, anyone who's up there and might be listening… let me get there, and quickly. Don't let that bastard hurt Remus, coz if he does- I'll rip him apart, and that'll only be the beginning of his misery.

Right, this is the right floor. And it's about here that they disappeared… I point my wand at the wall where there's normally a door, and scream an indecipherable challenge to the night. I must be getting better at doing magic without actually saying the right spell, because the stones in the wall seem to meld into a door before my eyes. I rush forward and try the cold metal. No luck- the door stays firmly shut. It's solid oak, not letting me see in. This might not even be the right room, I may have found some other hidden place.

Only one way to find out.

"Alohomora!"

The door unlocks with a small click- an anticlimax to such a charged moment. I kick the door open and see a scene of destruction. The desks are tossed around, the chairs upturned, and screaming fills my senses. For a moment, I'm frozen. Then I react. I jump over the desk in my way and see the thing I've been dreading.

Stromboli is on top of Rem, naked. It's Remus' screams I can hear. I kick out, striking Stromboli in the ribs. He falls off Rem, staring up at me with wide eyes.

"Sis…?"

I kick him again, this time in the chin. He falls back, his eyes going up into his head. I'm ready to hurt him again, but he doesn't move. "You fucking bastard!" I screech the words. "Wake up, so I can fucking kill you!" I pick up a chair and hold it above my head, ready to bring it down on his worthless body.

"Siri?" Rem's voice brings me back to my senses. I turn to look down at him. His eyes are filled with tears, and he looks ready to break down. Sitting, I gather him into my arms and hold on tight. If I loosen my grip just a bit he might go, just vanish into thin air. I can feel his thin frame shuddering with sobs, and realise with a shock that tears are also running down my face. The material of his shirt is rough beneath my hands, and I breath in his scent to surround myself with him.

"Oh God, Rem, I'm never letting you go again."

"Siri, I was so scared, he was gonna kill me…"

"Shh," I whisper fiercely into his hair. "He's never gonna hurt you again. We'll get him put into Azkaban, the slimy piece of shit." Why isn't he putting his arms around me? Oh, yeah. He still hates me, obviously. My eyes shut in pain. Can't he goddamn forgive me already? I think I've just proved that I'm willing to do anything for him. I love him.

Slowly, ever so slowly, he stops sobbing and quietens. "Sirius, can you undo my hands?" I pull back slightly and stare into his eyes. He looks down, biting his lip slightly. "He tied them up so I couldn't… fight back."

I nod wordlessly and apply my wand to the bonds he's holding out to me. Then I see what I couldn't take in before. The new, fresh wounds on his front. In several places he's been burnt, the shape of a pentagram seared into his skin in several places. His eye is rapidly turning black, and there's blood smeared across his head. He's also got some words cut into his chest, but as I'm looking he pulls his shirt closed and looks down.

"Don't," he whispers.

I nod. Placing his arm around my neck, I lift him into a standing position and pull his trousers up. He winces as I do, and I'd do anything to take that pain away. "Where's your wand?" My voice is quiet, subdued.

"He… broke it."

Shit. His parents will never get him a new one. I'll have to get him one anonymously. "Come on, let's get you to the infirmary."

"No!" The desperation in his voice makes me stare at him. He drops his gaze. "Please, Sirius. I just… can't. Not there."

"Remus." I hold his chin in my hand and force him to look at me. Tears are welling in his eyes again. "What that fucking low life did to you is not your fault. Never ever think you deserved that."

"Please, Sirius," he repeats. "I don't want to go to Madame Pomfrey. I don't want anyone to know about this."

"You need to get cleaned up. If we go to the dorm the others might wake up."

He shakes his head. "I'll go to the Prefect's bathroom."

"You're in no state to go anywhere by yourself, and I'm not allowed in that bathroom."

He bites his lip. "The dorm. We… just have to be quiet." He won't look me in the eye. Why the hell not? Just damn well look at me, Remus! I want to help you!

"OK." He takes one step and nearly collapses, before I run forward and catch him. "Put your arm around my shoulder. Lucky the dorm's near, huh?" He doesn't reply, instead concentrating on placing one foot in front of the other. I slip my arm around his waist. I have to be in as much contact with him as possible. I can't let him go.

We walk down the corridor in silence. I want to talk, but what the hell do I say? 'Oh, Remus, I'm sorry that you nearly just got raped by your boyfriend. But you know, if you'd stayed with me, none of this would've happened!' Yeah, very sensitive.

We stop before the Fat Lady. Great, she's asleep. Thanks a bunch. "Lady," I whisper. No luck. So I repeat myself, louder. "Lady!"

She blinks and wakes up, scowling at us. "What are you doing at this- oh, dear, are you all right?"

I can feel Remus shrinking back behind me, and all I want to do is protect him. "Lapis lazuli."

"Shouldn't you-"

"Lapis lazuli, Lady." She harrumphs, but swings open.

Somehow we manage to stumble up the stairs to the dorm, and open the door without it creaking too much. The soft snores reassure us that both Pete and James are asleep, and we'll be able to do this without anyone waking up and making a fuss.

The door to the bathroom opens silently, and we creep in. Remus leans on the counter. "Remus, you're going to need to take a shower."

"I can't." I stare at him. "Not with you watching."

I shrug. "Ok. I'll just sit here in the corner while you do it."

"No." He shakes his head firmly. "You have to leave the room."

"Remus, what if you fall over? You could seriously hurt yourself."

"I don't care." His eyes are set, but still downcast.

I turn and shut the door behind me. It's mirroring a few months ago, the day we first broke up. That day has repeated itself in my dreams countless times since. It really hurt. Especially in the night, when I woke up and could hear him tossing and turning, running from his demons. And I couldn't protect him. I damn well couldn't protect him from anything.

I can hear him moving around, getting into the shower. His hisses of pain as the water strikes his body come through the door as well, or maybe I'm imagining them. I wish he'd have let me stay in there. I wouldn't hurt him. I couldn't. Not intentionally. Well, not physically.

The water shuts off abruptly. Short shower. Or maybe I've just been sat here not noticing the passage of time.

He opens the door, and looks so damn fragile. His hair is wisping around his head, and the oversized dressing gown looks almost absurd. I… love him.

"Sirius?" he whispers. "I'm going to bed."

"Remus, you really should…"

"No." He halts me with one of his perfectly scarred hands. I know every scar on that hand, could trace its outlines in my sleep. "Maybe in the morning."

With that, he ghosts across to his bed and pulls the curtains shut.

**OK, so it's short. I'm sorry :begs for forgiveness:**

**And people without an account, leave your email address and I'll send you a review response.**


	22. Telling

**Just an interim chapter, this one. I PROMISE WITH ALL MY HEART that this will be finished before the end of the year. I swear. **

**Peter POV**

Something's happened, and again no one will tell me what's up. I feel slightly better though, because James seemed to know about as much as I do. This morning, when we went into Charms, he came and sat next to me rather than next to Lily, which is what he usually does, or Sirius, what he used to do before the big argument, or Remus, his partner after the argument. No, he came to me and asked if I knew what had happened with Remus and Sirius.

It's strange. They weren't talking, instead throwing each other glances that would have killed, but now they talk. Not a lot, and yet I see Sirius giving Remus looks. It's almost like Remus has got Sirius' personality. He's laughing constantly in the common room, won't go to bed until everyone else is already gone, and seems to do no work. James thinks something's wrong, and he's going to ask Sirius and Remus about it.

I stretch my legs out in front of the chair, letting the fire warm them gently. James is sat opposite, frowning and biting his thumbnail. If Lily saw him, she'd yell at him to stop it. But she isn't around, instead is probably revising in the library.

"Remus!"

I twist my head, and see the frail body coming in through the portrait hole. He comes towards us, smiling, and when he's this close I can see that the smile doesn't reach his eyes. One of his eyes is black. He told us that he fell down some stairs, and that's also how he got the cut down his face. I remember that particular conversation. Sirius was sat in the chair James is in now, and he was frowning deeply as though Remus was lying through his teeth.

Remus tugs at his polo neck jumper, revealing several bruises for a second. "Hey guys."

"Remus, what's happened?"

He laughs. "What the hell do you mean?"

James leans forward. For once he's being serious. "For the last four days you've been acting strange. You're talking to Sirius again, and you've got a load of injuries- don't try and hide it, I've seen them when you get changed- and you've broken up with Stromboli." Remus' mask slips for a second, and his eyes get wide.

"I'm fine. Thanks for your sympathy, but I'm quite all right." And with that, he turns on his heel and leaves, striding away and up the stairs to our dorm.

"Maybe if I cornered him in there…" James stands.

"Who're you gonna corner now then, Jamesie boy?" Sirius flings himself down into the chair and grins upwards.

"Remus. I'm gonna make him talk."

The mood changes instantly. "The fuck you are." Sirius' face is dark, his eyes flashing. "Leave him be."

"Why should I?"

"Because it's his own business."

"You know what's happened."

Sirius stands to face James, his added height allowing him to glower down. "And you know why he's more likely to talk to me."

I don't. But they won't tell me; they're wrapped up in their own little world, too busy and self important to worry about explaining things to a rat like me.

"Does it involve you?" James asks softly. Sirius nods in response. "And Rem?"

"Well, obviously."

"And Stromboli?" Sirius' face twists angrily, and he lashes out at the chair, punching it hard. "Take that as a yes."

"That fucking, fucking bastard." He brings his clenched fist to his mouth and kisses his fingers gingerly. "That really hurt."

"Don't abuse the furniture in the future," James says distractedly. He places a hand on Sirius' shoulder. "Look, we're here for Remus. We'll do anything to make it better."

"I know." Sirius' eyes peek out from behind his wisps of hair. "But he won't admit that there's anything wrong."

"But something obviously is! He's acting completely out of character, and he's hurt. Why didn't he go to Madame Pomfrey?"

A wince. Interesting. "He wouldn't let me take him."

James frowns. "Did Stromboli hurt him?"

Sirius puts up his hands. "Look, James, I can't tell you anything. Or Remus will rip me to pieces." His attention wanders to the stairs. I think that the expression on his face is a mix of different emotions. Part of it is tenderness. That's no surprise- he's always mothered Remus, mostly due to Remus' furry little problem. Then there's some anger. Probably due to whatever Stromboli did. And there's something else… almost like longing. I know that look too well, from personal experience. But why is Sirius wearing it?

"Sirius, go upstairs. Go and help him."

Eyes turn desperate. "But he won't-"

"If anyone can get through to him, it's you."

Sirius smiles sadly, and trudges up the stairs. James collapses, and sends a weak smile my way. "Just have to wait now."

"Are you going to decipher any of that for me, or just leave me sitting here like an idiot?"

He sighs and places his head in his hands. "Not now, Pete."

"Fine." I leave the room, unwilling to sit with a so-called friend who won't even let me know what's going on.

**Okay, so it was weird and short. But be nice, I have a cold and feel completely blergh. And I'm hungry. **

**The songs have been requested. You get Bohemian Rhapsody in chapters 1-7** (_Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy, Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality, Sends shivers down my spine, body's aching all the time, Nothing really matters to me, Galileo Figaro Magnifico, I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me, Oo, baby, can't do this to me baby, just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here, Mama, just killed a man. Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he's dead, I don't wanna die, I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all, Goodbye everybody, I've got to go. Gotta leave you all behind and face the truth, think you can love me and leave me to die_), **Don't Stop Me Now in chapter 9** (_I'm having a good time, I don't want to stop at all_), **Save Me in chapters 11-20** (_It started off so well, they said we made a perfect pair, I clothed myself in your glory and your love, How I loved you- how I cried, The years of care and loyalty were nothing but a sham it seems the years belie we lived a lie, I love you till I die, Save me save me save me I can't face this life alone Save me save me save me… I'm naked and I'm far from home, I have no heart- I'm cold inside I have no real intent, Was it all wasted- all that love, The slate will soon be clean I'll erase the memories To start again with somebody new, I hang my head and I advertise a soul for sale or rent_) **and Death On Two Legs in chapter 17** (_Death on two legs you're tearing me apart death on two legs you never had a heart of your own, You're just an old barrow-boy have you found a new toy to replace me can you face me, Is your conscience all right does it plague you at night do you feel good- feel good?_) 


	23. Healing

**In my defence as to why this wasn't up earlier, the site was being stupid. Some of you have read this already, but most of you haven't... and if you have, you didn't review. Naughty people.**

**I'm choked up. This is the last chapter! Thank you to everyone who reviewed this, coz you boosted my confidence no end. I love you all! Even those people who stuck this on favourites and didn't review :grumble: ;) Hope you like this resolution, and keep an eye out for a little Stromboli massacring. Have a great 2006! **

**Warning- lemony taste to this one. Please be nice, it's my first try.**

"Rem? I push open the door to our dorm. I'm not sure what to expect. There's a big part of me that just wishes he'll be sat on his bed, reading a book, a soft smile on his lips. I really don't want to have this conversation. I know he needs it, but I'm not sure if he's ready to admit that need. He might well throw me out of the window. I just want him back to normal, how he was before we broke up and he started dating that scuzzbucket.

He's stood by the window, his back firmly towards me. The sunlight, now fading as it sets behind the mountains, gives him an aura. He looks like an angel. As I move closer I realise I won't be able to see his face unless he moves. His blonde curls hide him from my searching eyes.

"Rem." No reply, not even a twitch to show he's aware of my presence. "Rem, talk to me."

"I'm fine." If you didn't know him, you'd be able to take his statement at face value. There's nothing in his voice to betray him, no little tremor to show what's he feeling. And that's the biggest giveaway of all. I've known him, and watched him, long enough to know that he's trying to fool me.

"You need to talk. And it may as well be with me."

"No. I really don't need to talk."

"Please, Remus. The others are getting worried about you. They can tell that something's wrong."

"It's none of their business." His voice has tightened. Good. At least he's showing some emotion.

I place a hand on his back, his warmth spreading through me. "They care about you."

His hands are resting on the windowsill, and as I finish speaking his knuckles tighten. "They shouldn't."

"Why not?"

"Because something's wrong with me."

I shake my head, even though he won't see it. Not unless being a werewolf includes 360° vision. "Remus, there's nothing wrong with you. You're an amazing person."

He laughs quietly. "That's what you said when I wanted to kill myself."

"It's as true now as it was then. Without you, my life isn't worthwhile. But with you, everything's better."

He shakes beneath my hand, taking swift breaths. "If I'm such a good person, why did it happen to me?" He turns suddenly, his eyes wide with desperation. Now I have no physical contact with him, but he's so close that I can feel every movement he makes. "Why did he do that to me?"

His voice is pleading. I know he wants answers, but what can I say? He's obviously gone past the stage where 'he's psychotic and seriously mucked up' would suffice. So I settle for the clichéd copout. "I don't know."

"I can't deal with this anymore." He won't stop moving. Every single part of him is shaking, his head, his arms, his body. I'm worried that he's heading for a breakdown. Which might actually help him. "He's there every single time I shut my eyes. I'm afraid to sleep. It's why I'm always last to bed, so that you won't come up and hear me tossing and turning. It's a torture, Siri. I see him in the common room so much, and if you're not there he smirks at me. He knows what I look like, completely, and it's horrible to think about him thinking about me. I feel so dirty, so used. I smile back at him, so no one knows something's wrong. I smile, because if I don't smile then I'm afraid of what I might do." He lets out one deep shuddering breath.

"Are you afraid of crying?" My voice is quiet.

"I… I can't cry. I mean, why should I cry? I feel like I should, but I can't."

"Maybe crying would make it too real to you."

He gives a sad smile. "I think it's already too real."

"He hurt you, Remus."

"The bruises are fading. Soon they'll be gone, and I'll be back to normal."

I frown, and touch his chest. His heart is fluttering. "He hurt you in here too."

"Do you know how clichéd that is?" He turns away. "Cheesy git." I pull him around by one shoulder, wrapping my arms around him. At first he stiffens, then as I breathe into his hair he relaxes and clutches at my shoulders. "He's right."

"Right about what?"

"If he can do that to me, maybe I really did deserve it."

"Rem-"

"No, Siri. I hurt him a lot, and didn't even think about it."

His hair is tickling my chin. "What sob story did he tell you? Did you once push past him in the corridor, causing irreparable damage to his delicate little psyche?"

He shifts slightly, admonishing me. "He really did, in his own way, love you. And I didn't take that into account. I took you from him."

"And so what? He was going to split us up forever?"

"Yes. I was so evil to him, I deserved that."

"No!" I pull back a bit, lifting his chin with one finger. He stares back at me, no expression on his face. "I fell in love with you ages before I went out with Stromboli. It wasn't your fault. I dumped him before we got together- ok, not before we confessed our love for each other, but before we properly got together. And anyway, we split up." I let go of his chin and bury my face in his hair. I'd forgotten that small incident. I still loved him, but how was I meant to say that? This contact might well be the nearest I get to him ever again.

"That was him too."

"What?" I jerk backwards, my eyes unbelieving. He looks almost haunted.

"What do you remember of the night we split up? All of it?"

"I got drunk, then when I woke up I went to our dorm which you'd destroyed, James had a go at me, I cast a spell on him, then you came out of the bathroom and said 'unus frater verus'."

"You were drinking with Stromboli, and you told him you loved me. He sent you to sleep, took a bit of your hair, and went upstairs to snog a girl in my presence. Then he had a go at me. I thought it was you."

I stroke back a bit of his hair. "You know I'd never do something like that to you."

"That's just it." His eyes are shining in the half light, and his cheeks are lightly flushed. "I was bad to you too. I never listened to what you said. If I'd just listened, then none of this would've happened. I was so damn stupid."

"Hey." I place my arms back around his waist. "It probably would've happened. I was betraying your trust. You really didn't want me to drink, and I kept on lying to you about it."

"Why are you still here, Siri? Why have you stayed?"

"I love you." He shakes his head and opens his mouth to speak, but I stop him by placing a finger on his lips. "I do, and nothing you could say would ever change that. Unless you became a totally different person, I'll always love you. Anyway, I promised I'd be there whenever you needed help. I keep my promises."

"I don't know if I can be helped." There's fear in his eyes.

"We should tell someone."

"No. They'll think it was my fault. Hell, I think it was my fault. I don't want people staring at me in the corridor, going 'Look, there's that slut'. I don't want anyone told."

"He might do it again."

"What am I going to do?" I know he's avoiding the subject, but I won't push it.

"Don't pretend like everything's ok. Coz it obviously isn't."

"I feel a bit better, talking to you."

"You can come and talk to me whenever you want."

He smiles at me, the first time I've seen that complete heartstopping expression in months. "Thank you, Siri." He reaches up and kisses me lightly on the mouth, leaving me yearning for more. He only draws back slightly, enough for me to still feel his breath on my lips. "Werewolves mate for life," he says softly. "If he had… raped me, then I would never have been with anyone else." There's something in his eyes, some kind of question.

"What are you saying, Remus?"

"I'm saying, that I want that one person to be you." He kisses me again, this time more forcefully. "Help me forget," he whispers.

I lean down and kiss him, our tongues battling for dominance. We walk backwards, collapsing onto his bed, trying to not stop kissing. He disengages from me long enough to shut the curtains and utter two spells- one to stop any sound, another to stop them opening.

I pull him back on top of me. His kisses leave me hungry, hungry for more. I've dreamt about this for so long… I want to experience every part of it. It doesn't seem real, but I need it. So does he.

He pulls at my shirt blindly, wanting to lose it. Difficult, it's a t-shirt, and there's no way he's ripping it off. I push him upright for one moment, pulling the shirt over my head, and lie back down. His hands wander across my chest. They're icy cold. It feels infuriating against my hot skin.

"Siri," he moans as I leave his mouth and move onto his neck, slowly sucking on spots which I know are sensitive on me. By the sounds he's making, he's enjoying my work. My fingers move onto his buttons, sliding each one out slowly. I flip him onto his back so that I can take control, forgetting that he's the wolf. But he submits, placing his hands behind my neck. From this position I can see the scars across his chest, the ones I've always adored, and the new ones Stromboli gave him.

The git's etched words into my precious Moony. The scars from the wolf, I love them, they're part of his deceptive fragility, but this… this is sacrilege.

"Siri?" Rem's eyes are filled with fear, and I remember how he wouldn't let me see this the night of the attack. He's afraid that I'll hate him for it.

Leaning down, I kiss each word in turn, running my lips along his porcelain skin. "Only your parents would know this one," I murmur as I pass along the first one and onto the second. "You're only a monster if I steal your chocolate."

He gasps in pain as I touch the last one. "Still hasn't quite healed."

I smile, and instead whisper the words over his skin. "You're definitely not a whore. I'm your one and only."

His hands are running up and down my back as I work on his chest, giving butterfly kisses to every inch. Then he begins to tug at my waistband. We lose our trousers, abandoned to the bottom of the bed.

As I hold myself above him, I pause. There's an amount of fear there. I don't want to hurt him, and if he wants I can deal with this by myself. "Are you sure Rem?"

"Yes." His eyes shut, and I find myself missing those beautiful amber depths. "I love you."

---(AN- I can't write it. Sorry, I'm a wuss)---

We collapse, and curl up onto the bed. He falls asleep almost immediately. I'm left to hold him safely in my arms. I stare down at his head on my bare chest. I love him, now more than ever. And Stromboli will pay for the hurt he caused.

He'll burn.

**Actually, I have a question. Should I put in what Siri's gonna do? Coz there will be a mass Stromboli mutilation, but should I write a serious one? As well? I spoil you lot.**

**And here's a little competition for you all! Person who can guess nearest to the average word length of these chapters (not including notes, so you can't cheat), I will write them a fic. XD**


	24. Killing

**I'm back! Darlings, you can't get rid of me. This isn't really mutilation… it decided to go its own way. This is the serious bit. **

**If you would like to make an appearance in the mass mutilation, please tell me what you want to do to Stromboli. As graphic as you like. Some people are getting their names stuck in no matter what they feel about the matter. Ha!**

**I hope you realise I should be writing an essay. James POV.**

I wake up, and for a moment stare at the hangings surround me. It's hard to get my bearings. In my dream I was high above the clouds, and this just feels strange. Then I hear what woke me. Someone's moving in our dorm, moving at the bottom of my bed.

My hand fumbles on my cabinet until I find the wires I'm seeking, and the world comes into sudden sharp focus with my glasses jammed on my nose. I crawl to the end of my bed and throw the curtains open, coming face to face with Sirius.

"I'm borrowing your cloak," he hisses.

"Why?" What's the point? It's three in the morning. If he's cheating on Remus I really will castrate him this time.

"I need to go somewhere."

"Where?"

His eyes flash. The moonlight that's shining in through the open window lets me see that he's fully dressed, jeans and a shirt. His wand is sticking up from his trouser pocket. "None of your business."

"It is if you're taking my cloak." I bring my legs round so that I'm more comfortable. This could be a long conversation.

He sighs, and I know I've got him. It's strange at times, how we're exactly the same. In some ways. Ok, so Remus and him are different sides of the same coin- meant to be together, and yet complete opposites. But without one, you wouldn't get the other. It wouldn't work. Me and Sirius are the same sides of different coins. "You can't change my mind. I'm going to do this."

"Do what?"

He peeks at me through that long fringe of floppy hair. I wish he'd get it cut, but Remus seems to like it. So it won't be. "Promise you won't tell?"

"I promise."

"Not even to Lily? And especially not Rem?"

I cross my heart with my middle finger. A Marauder's pledge. "I swear."

I hear the exhalation that must be a sigh, and he perches on my trunk. "I'm going to kill Stromboli."

Our conversation has, thus far, been conducted in quiet whispers, but this makes me shriek. A hand is quickly clamped to my mouth, and we wait. Peter snuffles in his sleep, and there's the sound of someone turning over in Sirius' bed. Must be Remus. When Sirius is convinced that both our friends are still asleep, he lets me go.

He's telling the truth, I can tell by the way he said it. So matter-of-factly… I wouldn't be surprised if he's planned everything out. How he's going to do it, where, how to dispose of the body afterwards.

"You can't kill him!"

"Why not?" His eyes are defiant.

"Because you'll go to Azkaban! And it'll kill Remus if you hurt someone!"

His head whips round to stare at me. "He won't find out, because you won't tell him."

"No." I'm reluctant. Try changing the subject, see if that changes his mind. "What did Stromboli do?"

Sirius looks as though I've hit him. His whole body is shaking now. "He… hurt Rem. Hit him, cut words into him, burnt him. And he nearly… oh Merlin…" His hand flies to his mouth.

"What?" I ask tenderly.

His face lifts, and his eyes stare into mine. "He nearly raped Rem. My Rem. He… that bastard saw my Rem naked, and he was going to destroy him. If I hadn't showed when I did, he would have raped Rem and then killed him." Tears are falling down his face, silver streaks on white background.

"But he didn't. You got there."

"I keep on thinking about what if I hadn't." Desperation is in his face as he grabs my arm. "He'd be… dead."

"Sirius… you can't do this to yourself. You can't keep on second-guessing. It's in the past."

He sighs. I know he won't listen. Pig headed git. "Listen, can I have the cloak or not? Coz I'm going now."

"How are you going to do it?" Please don't let him have a plan. If he has, then he's been working this out for a long time.

"I'm meeting him tonight. In the Room Of Requirement. I'm going to kill him, then dump the body in the Forest."

"Let me come." He opens his mouth to speak again, but I continue before he gets a chance. "Listen, you can't carry a body, open doors, and stay under the cloak." I didn't mention the fact that this way I might be able to stop him.

"OK, but you can't interfere."

"I promise." My fingers are crossed.

---

We walk past the tapestry, and the door appears. Sirius throws a warning look at me, and we slip into the room. I remain under the cloak for now, looking around the room. It's not that big, the main piece of furniture a large bed in the centre. It's on that which Stromboli is asleep, his hair spread out on the pillow around him.

Sirius climbs onto the bed, holding himself over the boy and looking down on him. "Matthew, " he whispers. Stromboli stirs slightly, murmuring softly in his sleep. "Matthew."

He wakes, and for a second a smile lights up his face. I guess he really did love Sirius. In his own peculiarly twisted way. "Sis!"

Sirius pushes some of Stromboli's hair back tenderly. I don't like this. He's toying with him. "It's me." One tender kiss is placed on the boy's forehead. "I wasn't sure you'd come."

"I'd do anything for you." There's nothing but pure devotion in that voice. It's true. I think, if Sirius put his mind to it, he could have his own army of devoted soldiers. There's so many people out there who'd do anything to be close to my best friend.

"I know, Matthew. Why, you'd even kill for me, wouldn't you?"

"Whatever you want."

"Even if I don't think I want it, you'd still do it for my own good. Wouldn't you?"

Now Stromboli's catching on. He's heard the dangerous note in Sirius' voice. "Sis, I can explain."

Sirius chuckles. "Oh, I very much doubt it."

Stromboli's eyes are widening with fear. I'm sure if he could he'd be scrambling away, but Sirius' body is pinning him down. Even as I watch I can see Sirius' knuckles tighten as he holds Stromboli's wrists. "Please, Sis, I-"

"You bastard," Sirius hisses. "He's perfect, you know that? My own, my perfect Moony. Even with what you did to him. How the fuck do you think I'd choose you over him? He's wonderful, entrancing. You're nothing but shit."

"You loved me once."

"No, never." Stromboli cries out in pain, either from the words or from the fact that Sirius is pulling his hair. I'm not sure which. "You, my dearest Matthew, were just a quick shag while I was waiting for him. And you know what?" Stromboli stares up at him. "You weren't even that good for that."

"Better than him." I can't believe Stromboli is arguing back. When Sirius is in this mood, you take cover and protect your head. Arguing makes it more likely that you'll end up with less limbs. "Your frigid monster."

Sirius punches him, and the breath leaves Stromboli in a huge gasp. "Don't call him that. You know nothing about him. And, for your information, sex with him is _far_ better." I wince. Did not need to know that.

"What's he got that I haven't?"

"He's beautiful, smart, funny, and so vulnerable… your goddamn fucking words, and scars that you gave him. Do you know how long it's going to take him before he'll be ok again?"

Stromboli's face twists. "Hopefully years."

Sirius punches him again, this time his fist connecting with a mouth. It comes back bloody. "I'm going to kill you."

"This is him, Sis, he's done this to you. I can make you better."

"No. Maybe I am under a spell, under his spell." He bends over, whispering into Stromboli's ear. "And I wouldn't be anywhere else."

Sirius sits up suddenly, letting Stromboli go partly. He's still straddling the younger boy, and I wonder if he knows how sexual it is. Probably. That might be partly why he's doing it, to taunt Stromboli with what he can't have.

Sirius pull his wand out of his pocket, and his eyes go crazy. No, I can't let him use an Unforgivable. If he does that, there's no going back. He won't be the same any more. He won't be Sirius. It'll hurt too many people if that happens.

"Padfoot!" I pull the cloak off and throw it to the floor. Sirius has frozen. He probably forgot I was there, got caught up in the moment. Stromboli is looking at me like I'm some kind of angel. Git.

"Go away Prongs," Sirius whispers. He isn't looking at me.

"No. Sirius, you can't kill him."

"Yes, I can. Just two words and it'll be over."

"No it won't." I step closer, wary of his wand. "You'll be haunted by your guilt. Every time you look at Remus you'll see Stromboli's dead body. And once you use an Unforgivable, it's easier to use it again."

"So what, James? Once I kill Stromboli, I'll be a Death Eater?"

"Please, Sirius. Why do you want to do this?"

"For Rem…" His voice shook just then. I think I'm getting through.

"Remus wouldn't want this. He wouldn't want his best friend, the only person he's ever truly loved, to become a killer. Not for that piece of shit." One tear falls down Sirius' cheek. I extend my hand to him. "Remus is upstairs, sleeping in your bed. Go back to him. He loves you, and that's all that matters."

Sirius nods, and stands as though in a dream. He walks out of the room without waiting for me. I hope he doesn't run into Filch, or else he'll be in detention for years.

"James, thank you so-"

I turn back. "Don't talk to me." Stromboli is leaning towards me. "I didn't do it for you. I did it to save my two best friends."

If he does stay around, those two will never be able to get on with their lives. Remus will always be jumpy, and Sirius will never get the thought of Remus' death out of his head. Stromboli needs to be gone.

I pull out my wand and point it at him. He staggers back against the headboard, eyes wide. I never realised how much power this is, having someone totally at your mercy. But I'm not going to Avada Kedavra him. That would be too easy.

In my head, I make the incantation, and leave. He'll never know what I've done to him. And he'll be dead within a week.

**Ok… first Siri was gonna kill him. Then he was gonna live. Then James killed him… Edwin, thou art cruel and fickle. **

**Oh, and **freakanature**got the nearest. Sorry, my computer usually doesn't like review responses. Email me! Anyone can email me, if you want. Probably ought to try my hotmail account though… same as my tiscali one, only with hotmail . com on the end.**


	25. Discovering

**In my defence at such a long absence (well, at least it wasn't a year) I've been busy with college, and writing other stuff- I wrote a pyrate story for my friend's birthday, and another chapter of that has been ordered. But I wrote this instead. Some people know I had this written a couple of weeks ago… I got delayed typing it up because of lj. Blame the people on the community tgs :waves:**

**Remus POV**

I pull the plate towards me. This is the first time in ages that I've been able to even contemplate eating a proper meal, and I know the others will be happy. I've noticed that they've been watching me- after all, they haven't had as much practice as me and therefore aren't as good at hiding it. I know what's made me able to eat again too.

I smile, and inhale the bacon as though I can eat it purely by smelling. The aroma is almost tangible, and from this I can understand James and Sirius' obsession with meat breakfast products.

"Remus?" Lily slides onto the bench opposite me. She looks slightly worried, and I can hardly blame her for that. After all, out of all of them she probably knows the least. I love her, but couldn't tell her.

"Hey Lily." I smile, and although the expression feels strange on my face- I haven't smiled properly in a long time- it feels good too.

"How's ickle Moonikins this morning?" I feel the familiar hand ruffle my hair, and look up to see Sirius smiling down at me. I show him my plate.

"Eating."

"Good." He sits next to me, and I can feel our legs touching slightly. Just enough that I can get reassurance from the slight contact. I don't think I deserve Sirius. He's done so much for me over the last few weeks, even binding himself to me. I love him.

It's almost like old times again, except that I can still feel Sirius' legs on mine. And the touch isn't tormenting me, but comforting me. I can forget everything, just as long as he's near me. I look at him, only to find he's looking back at me. We stare into each other's eyes for a second, before dropping the contact and smiling down at our food.

I love him.

"What lessons are today?"

Sirius spears a piece of toast on a fork- I don't know why he doesn't eat properly- and considers it. "We all finish at 2, except Wormtail. He has Divination then."

Peter grimaces. "I hate it. But Padfoot, stop knowing everyone's timetable. It's scary."

"I can't help it. I have a good memory."

"What're we gonna do?" Lily asks softly.

"We should go flying."

James nods enthusiastically, mouth full of various foodstuffs. "And then-"

He's cut short by Dumbledore rising, face grave. The whole hall falls immediately silent, and yet he still claps his hands together. For once there's no twinkle in his eyes, and the tension is almost palpable. Everyone's afraid of what he's going to say. Has Voldemort attacked?

"I'm afraid I have some sad news for you all." Sirius is clutching my hand beneath the table, almost crushing my fingers. "Many of you will have known Matthew Stromboli, a fifth year Gryffindor." Something's happened to him. He's either gone from school or- something I can't say, or else Dumbledore wouldn't be using past tense. I glance back at Sirius. He promised me he wouldn't do anything. "He was found dead this morning."

Everyone in the hall starts whispering, including the teachers. Just our small group is silent. Sirius squeezes my hand, and I see that his face is paler than I've ever seen it. Maybe it's just shock at the death, but there's a traitorous part of me that thinks he knows what happened.

Dumbledore clears his throat, and the whispering dies away as quickly as it started. "He appears to have died of natural causes. Classes will be cancelled today, and there will be a memorial service tomorrow. I would like everyone to attend." He nods. "Thank you." And leaves, the school left in shocked silence.

Sirius. I need to know if he did anything.

I pull him out with me, not caring if anyone sees us holding hands. Let them think we're just comforting each other. After all, we did both date Stromboli. I drag him down the corridor to a deserted classroom. He can't resist- my werewolf strength is no match for him.

I pin him against a wall and growl up into his face. I'm angry now, so angry- first at the fact that I think he _did _something, and second at the fact that I _think_ he did something. "What did you do?"

"Nothing," he hisses, struggling beneath my grasp.

"Sirius, he's dead!"

"What, and so I must have done something?" He laughs, a slight shake in it. "Gee, thanks Rem. Thanks for your faith in me."

"Did you do something?" My voice is softer now. I need to know though. I need to be sure that he isn't a murderer.

"For the last time, no." I release him, and he runs a shaky hand through his hair. "I wouldn't do that to someone."

"You nearly did before," I say quietly. "You nearly killed Snape."

He grabs my shoulders and pulls me closer, staring into my eyes with so much intensity it scares me. "I promised I wouldn't do something like that again, and I swear to you I didn't. I wouldn't hurt you like that."

"Promise?"

"Promise." He kisses me quickly. "I've got to go up to the dorm. Where will you be?"

"The library." Where else, on a day that's so dark? He smiles slightly, a mere quirk of the lips, and leaves. His stance is different to normal. He's hunched over, hands in his pockets, and looks like he doesn't want anyone to talk to him. This has hit him hard.

I don't know if I believe him.

God alone knows how much I want to, and yet I find it all too easy to believe that he could find a way of killing someone and leaving no trace.

I set off for the library, thoughts running a million miles through my head. Foremost among them is Stromboli's face. I know I hate- hated- him, but I didn't want him dead. At least, I don't think I did. Probably on some deep level, the level where the wolf is all that I am, I would have liked nothing better than to stand over him and watch the breath leave his body. But not consciously. Even though he was quite ready to kill me, taking life is abhorrent to me.

Something moves in my stomach, and I have to clutch hold of the library door to stop myself from collapsing in the doorway.

He's dead.

There's a part of me which is happy at that, and that makes me feel worse.

"Remus?" My elbow is held, and I look up through eyes that are suddenly blurred to see the familiar shape of Peter. "What's wrong?"

"I-I'm ok." I stand up, perhaps placing more weight on Peter than I should, by the way he winces.

"Is it Matt's death?" Sirius and James never give Peter half the credit he deserves. He is perceptive.

"Yeah." But not for the reasons you think, Peter. You think I'm upset because I was dating him until a few weeks ago.

He smiles. "I'll stay with you."

"Pete, you don't have to-"

"Shut your noise." He guides me in, across to the table we always sit at. "You can help me with Charms."

This is why I spend so much time in the library. It's not too quiet, you can hear people talking in the distance, but you can sit in your own little bubble of silence. No one bothers you. You can let all your troubles float away.

Probably why everything builds up on top of me until it's too late- I never confront problems.

Peter's working opposite me, making little noises every so often as he works something out. I'll read over his work a bit later, make sure he understands the Charms work. I don't understand all of it, but I'll try. I'm reading over what we did a few lessons ago. Theory we'll need for our exams later in the year. Well, not really. James, Sirius and I found the book while on a midnight raid. The charm looked like it would be useful in our exams, so I made them copy it down.

"_The Malindrem charm is highly specialised, and as such is not listed as an Unforgiveable curse by the Ministry of Magic (see The Debates On Curses 1563)._" Ah yes, reading the Ministry debates never fails to amuse on a wet Saturday afternoon. There are some depths even I won't go to."_Great force of will is also required in order to perform the charm correctly. It cannot be performed for selfish reasons- only if the performer has no feelings towards the victim. Once the incantation is spoken, it will take several days to take effect. The victim appears to die of natural causes, and only the performer will know it was their action._"

Natural causes.

I slam the book shut and stare at the leather bound cover, my heart pounding in my ears.

"Moony? What's wrong?"

"Malindrem…" I breathe.

"Remus, you're scaring me."

I look up at him, and he looks scared. His eyes are wide and his cheeks pale. I know I must be too, as my breathing is now getting faster and faster. I don't know if I'll be able to control myself when I see Sirius. It must be him, it must be. He killed Stromboli with the Malindrem curse, and he swore to me he wouldn't.

I leave my books on the table and run from the library, ignoring Madam Pinch's calls. Sirius said he'd be in the dormitory. Even if he isn't there, I can steal the map from James' trunk and find the bastard.

I cannon into the room, and find it empty of Sirius. James is sat on his bed, and as I fall into the room he looks up at me.

"Moony? What's up?"

"Sirius." My voice comes out at almost a growl. "Where is he, James? I need to see him."

"Remus, what are you going to do to him?" He stands and comes towards me warily. Can't blame him for that.

"I'm going to kill him."

"Why?"

"He swore to me he hadn't hurt Stromboli. He promised me!" My voice is rising again, and I'm getting more agitated. My arms are moving randomly, and if he gets any nearer I'll probably lash out at him.

"Remus, what makes you think he did?" His voice is calm, reasonable. I can't take that.

"Malindrem."

His face pales instantly. I know he knows what it means, that Sirius knew about the curse. "Remus, you're jumping to conclusions."

"Who else could it have been, James?" I'm yelling now, the words torn from my throat. It hurts so bad that my Sirius killed someone. "The curse was in the Restricted Section, it was only us three that knew about it!"

"Anyone could have sneaked in, and you know that."

"Who else has a motive?"

James snorts, his eyes still locked with mine. "Just about anyone he's ever come into contact with. Listen, Stromboli was a bastard. No one really liked him. I was talking to the fifth years the other day, and they said even Stromboli's mother wouldn't mind if he were dead."

My rage is starting to disappear now, leaving me sagging and empty. "I think he did it, James. He looked so… something was wrong."

James puts his arms around me, drawing me into a tight hug. "Sirius loves you, Remus. And that's why he couldn't have done the Malindrem. Stromboli hurt you, and so Sirius hated him for that. Yes, probably hated him enough to kill him. And that's the trick with that curse. If you want to kill them, have the hate to kill them, you can't. Not using Malindrem."

I nod slowly. It makes sense. But still… Maybe Sirius was just upset because of his and Matt's history. Pulling away slowly, I smile at James. "Thanks."

"You ok now?" He looks closely at me. "Don't feel like killing any Animagi?"

"No." I sit on the edge of my bed. "I think I'm going to read for a bit."

"Cool." He smiles. "I'm going downstairs, need to talk to someone. See you later."

He leaves, and I slump back onto the soft cushions. James… without him, Sirius and I would have died a long time ago.

**You lot have to thank hedgewytch for this. She was being nice to me on lj, and actually gave me the motivation to finish this. Phew. Bloody long, this chapter…**

**Oh, and I'm 17 now! My birthday was yesterday :feels proud: and I got Beatles magnets, and a Rocky Horror poster, and a butch lesbian duck (don't ask) and now I'm angling for the James May book! Woop!**


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